Chymera's Dark Room

I am Reborn

2007-02-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Due to a bit of stupidity, and other personal issues, I have been quite unable to post here for quite some time. As a result I have started another blog with similar themes at Ron's Rants.

I invite all who may see this to join me there.

A Quick Hello from NYC

2006-06-26T21:54:00.000-05:00

I realize that I have been absent for quite sometime, but it is summer break and I decided that my children were due for a massive roadtrip.

My current stop is New York City where I have been busy showing my youngins places like the Empire State, ground zero, and the hotel where Lennon was shot.

During my personal version of "Ron's list of important sights" I was lucky enough to be in Washington Park in Greenwich Village at the moment that the annual "Dyke March" was coming to a close. To me it was one of those cosmic "lucky chance" moments, because such activities aren't daily fare even in NYC, and my son and I just happened to be there for it.

I was really happy to have caught the event because it was an opportunity to show my son that there were people in the world who weren't bigoted, and other people willing to show that they were not ashamed of who they were. To be honest, I think he liked the parade largely because there were several topless women among the marchers. Hopefully down the road he will remember the march for what it really means.

I took several pictures of the event so my son would have record of his being there. I now share some of said photos with you.

Me and the assembled marchers in Washington Park

My ex/room mate and her new motto (she was upset because my standing next to her ruined her chances to flirt--honestly)

My son and some of New York's finest as well as a few police officers

The banner at the head of the parade so you know I didn't make up the name of the event

Still Here

2006-05-12T06:49:00.000-05:00

I wanted to make a quick post to show that I haven't gone away, and have definitely not stopped my relentless pursuit of religious idiocy.

This has been a busy and somewhat stressful week for me, and as a result, my postings have suffered a bit. I have been actively engaged in trying to get my non-internet life in order, which is no easy task considering how thoroughly fucked up my life tends to be.

One high note for the week has been on the job front. It seems that Indianapolis has a shortage of people who are willing to hang off of the side of the high-rise buildings downtown and wash windows; something about fear of death or some such nonsense, so I may have just gotten a job dangling from a rope making sure that the view from the thirtieth floor is smudge free. This should prove to be an endless source of good birds-eye-view photos of downtown.

Anyway, the weather sucks today, so I should be at the keyboard for the better part of the day, which will no doubt mean a round of God and/or Bible bashing---stay tuned.

And God Said: "Let There Be Theft and Fraud"

2006-05-10T06:09:00.000-05:00

Today I have some local Godliness.

Church leaders face fraud charges

Pastor, assistant among 11 accused of illegally taking $62,000 in food stamps, other benefits

By Tim Evans
tim.evans@indystar.com

Thousands of dollars intended for Indiana's poor were illegally routed to the pastor and members of a Westside church by former state employees, one of whom was also a church member, according to charges filed Tuesday.

Marion County Prosecutor Carl Brizzi charged 11 people, including 10 associated with Greater Faith Missionary Baptist Church, with defrauding the Family and Social Services Administration. The charges stemmed from an investigation into the theft of Electronic Benefit Transfer cards from FSSA that resulted in charges last year against Stephanie Russell and agency employees Geraldine Harper and Mary Miracle. Harper and Russell are affiliated with the Westside church.

Eleven people were named in the charges: the pastor, his wife and four other members of Greater Faith Missionary Baptist Church, 1019 Sharon Ave., plus four relatives and one friend of church members.

I'm guessing that praying for food for the poor wasn't working out very well. No big surprise there.

The church members are accused of theft and welfare fraud as a result of allegations they wrongfully obtained about $62,000 in government benefits between June 2003 and July 2005.

Marion County Prosecutor Carl Brizzi on Tuesday pondered why the acts might have been committed.

"My first question was: 'Is this some sort of messed-up way of being charitable?' The old Robin Hood thing -- stealing from the rich and giving to the poor -- that's not the case," Brizzi said.

If I stole $62,000 the Robin Hood question would never even be thought of; more like Jesse James or Al Capone.

The charges resulted from an investigation that began last year into the theft of more than $200,000 in state welfare benefits, accessed through Electronic Benefit Transfer cards (which are used like debit cards to purchase food) provided by two former officials of the Family and Social Services Administration.

The FSSA workers, Geraldine Harper and Mary S. Miracle, were charged in June with theft, conspiracy and welfare fraud. They were later fired.

The new charges allege that Harper, the church's clerk, and Miracle gave or sold the debit cards to church members.

Rochell Johnson, 50, pastor of the church, and his wife, Denise, 46, face charges of theft and welfare fraud over allegations they wrongfully obtained more than $14,000 in food stamp benefits between June 2003 and July 2005.

Brizzi said the couple obtained the aid despite a combined annual income of more than $100,000. If they're convicted, each faces a maximum of eight years in prison.

Shedrick Footman, 47, the church's associate pastor, is charged with conspiracy to commit theft and conspiracy to commit welfare fraud. He also could get eight years in prison.

This shows that anyone, Brizzi said, "regardless of their occupation, regardless of what role they have in life -- is susceptible to greed."

"You have a family with a combined annual income of well over $100,000 and yet, for a relatively small amount of money, they are willing to break a serious law and violate the trust that was placed in them."

You have to be kidding. Everyone knows that church leaders aren't susceptible to greed, that's why they have mansions and television shows like Pat Robertson.

Intelligently Designed Lesbians

2006-05-09T03:15:00.000-05:00

Proponents of the intelligent Design theory of creation now have some more science that they can draw on.

According to a recent study "Lesbians' brains react differently to sex hormones than those of heterosexual women." This finding correlates with a similar study from a year ago that showed that gay men's brains' reactions were more similar to heterosexual women than heterosexual men.

This study shows two things:

First--That the premise that homosexuality has a physical basis, and is not a learned behavior or a decision is correct.

Second--God created homosexuality.

The first point is pretty obvious, and quite frankly, always has been, even before these studies. Who in their right mind would choose to be treated like a leper and an outcast by choosing to be gay. And speaking as someone who has a deeply held appreciation for the look, feel, and gyrations of the human female I honestly don't believe that such a decision would be made. But, I also acknowledge the fact that my love for women was something I was born with, as is a gay man's love for men, and that either orientation is as natural as the other.

The second point might not be so obvious, but when the incessant babbling of Christians is taken into account, it is the only logical assumption. Believers in the creator God constantly point out that God created EVERYTHING. When you read the two creation stories in Genesis you see that both stories do say this (even though they can't agree on the order or manner of creation).

Genesis also states that when God finished creating everything he/they decided that "it was very good."

The argument against homosexuality has always been that it was a conscious decision that went against the way God created everything. This study (and common sense) shows that homosexuality is rooted in physiology. So, since God "intelligently designed" everything, then it stands to follow that he designed, and created, gays and lesbians.

This idea can be taken even farther to show that lesbians are Gods favored human creations. This is shown with the common Christian stupidity about AIDS being a punishment from God. Of all of the various demographic divisions among those who have contracted AIDS only pre-adolescent children have a lower rate of infection. Heterosexual males and females, as well as sexually active teen-agers all have a higher rate of infection than lesbians, and some studies indicate that most of the AIDS infections in lesbians are due to sexual contact with men or bisexual women.

I'm not so naive as to think that this study will suddenly reverse millennia of ignorant bigotry, but it will damned sure make their arguments harder to use, and any time you can shut up an ignorant bigot for a little while it is a gift from God.

Mom's Day

2006-05-09T03:03:00.000-05:00

Just in time for Mother's Day here in the states, the folks at Landover Baptist have released a Mother's Day card for all good Christians.

The picture here is just a preview. To download your own copy for that special Christian parent in your life you can click on the photo or any of the many links in this post. Links such as this one.

Jesus' Ninja-Arsonist

2006-05-08T06:43:00.000-05:00

Student Burns Porn Shop to Serve God

A student at a Knoxville Bible College has confessed to setting fire to an adult bookstore.

Benjamin Warren, 20, said he burned down the store to serve God, but now realizes what he did was wrong.

It seems that now the Bible college is having to get all their porn from the web.

Warren was dressed as a ninja when the torched the Town and Country bookstore. A store manager said the fire damage totals nearly a million dollars.

God doesn't like porn films, but he does like old Hong Kong action movies.

Rumors of the arson reached the president of Crown College, and he encouraged Warren to turn himself in.

He too has to get all of his porn from the web and was mad at this young man.

The case will now go to the grand jury.

According to a news video from the AP about this guy, he was dressed like a ninja, and used a fake gun to get the store's clerk to leave before he torched the place back in January. In an interview on the video the college president says that Mr. Ninja had a crisis of conscience after a car wreck that he felt was a sign from God (who doesn't have to get his porn from the web).

I just wonder what Jesus' strippers would think about this guy, and once again I pose the question:

Where were the evil gay atheist feminists during this crime?

Where Are All of the Gay Atheist Feminists?

2006-05-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well Yahweh has done it again. One more of his followers has made the top ten.

SALT LAKE CITY- Polygamist church leader Warren Jeffs has been placed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list in hopes that the additional exposure and reward money will lead to his arrest.

Jeffs, 50, is accused of arranging marriages between underage girls and older men. He is wanted in Arizona on criminal charges of sexual conduct with a minor. He also was charged in Utah with rape as an accomplice.

"We are doing everything we can to track him down," Fuhrman, special agent in charge of the FBI's Salt Lake City field office, said Saturday.

Jeffs is the leader of the polygamous Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, based in the neighboring communities of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, Ariz.

The sect split from mainstream Mormonism after the broader church renounced polygamy in 1890. The mainstream LDS church excommunicates members found to be practicing polygamy.

Jeffs has not been seen by anyone outside of the FLDS community for nearly two years. He also faces a charge of unlawful flight to avoid prosecution.

By putting him on the Top 10 list, the FBI's reward increases from $50,000 to $100,000. The list is also distributed worldwide.

"We think that the inclusion of a $100,000 reward is going to mean that people are going to be much more aware of Warren Jeffs, they're going to be much more aware of what he looks like, and they're going to be much more willing to come forward to assist us in our efforts to locate him," U.S. Attorney Paul Charlton said at a news conference in Phoenix.

The FBI's announcement coincided with Jeffs' case appearing on the television program "America's Most Wanted."

Now Jeffs is among the elite of God's chosen; right there along side Bin Laden.

I'm sure that other Christians will quickly disavow Jeffs as not being a "true" Christian, but I can't seem to find the homosexual atheist feminists on the ten most wanted, and since gays, women, and atheists seem to be the people that are so damned evil, you would think that the United States' highest law enforcement agency would be after them by now.

Crackpot for May

2006-05-06T11:34:00.000-05:00

May's Crackpot of the Month has been posted for any who are interested.

Random Rant

2006-05-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

I like to sleep with my bedroom window open. This keeps the air in my room fresh, and has the added benefit of letting me hear that unique collection of sounds that one hears when he or she lives in a city. I enjoy the mix of traffic and chirping birds.

But, there is one thing that I have a real problem with in the noise category--Dogs.

First off I will be frank and admit that I am not a dog person. I don't hate dogs. I just have no use for them, because I am not a rabbit or bird hunter, and have no security concerns that would require dogs. Being something of a utilitarian I believe that a person should only own things that he or she has a use for. Dogs are good for hunting, tending herds, and security. They can also be used for company as house pets.

They, however, serve no purpose by being left in a small fenced-in area of one's back yard wherein they do nothing but start barking at every squirrel or pedestrian that walks by, or just start barking for the hell of it just to hear their own voice thereby waking up the neighbor who likes to sleep with his window open. My neighbor has one of these caged up noisemakers.

My neighbor (well the one with the dog) is a late middle aged woman who has a couple of times expressed concern over my son's having friends over to play basketball or football in the back yard, because of the noise they make. I have generally replied that if they were to start a riot I will promptly jump in and quiet things down, and have told her that I won't let them play when normal people would be sleeping, therefore the noise won't interfere with any body else's life.

However, her yappy fucking beast wakes me up at least once damned near every single night with his useless barking, and she doesn't seem to understand why this is a problem. So far I have kept my ideas about silencing this beast in the realm of rage induced fantasy, but it is getting harder to do with every single 2 AM bark fest.

Being something of a vindictive person, I have also considered retaliatory noise, such as mowing my yard at 3 in the morning, or cranking up the leaf blower during a similar time period, but this would affect the whole neighborhood, and I don't want innocent people to get caught up in my noisy retaliatory strike, so I sit here with horribly violent images of canine death in my head, and type.

I guess bitching to every one who will listen is my only real option in modern civilized society.

Cranky Old Bastard

2006-05-05T08:06:00.000-05:00

Have you ever known one of those old men who is never happy with anything? You know the type, I'm sure. The old fart who sits in his chair complaining that he's hungry, but then complains about how horrible the food you give him is. He sits on his porch bitching about people who get to close to his yard, or drive by too fast, or too slowly. He hates everybody, and everything for no reason; at least no reason that makes sense to anyone but him.

Usually people overlook this guys behavior, because "he is old and has lived a hard life." He's probably a vet from one of the planet's many wars. Probably worked his ass off his entire life for a boss that was an asshole, and now suffers from joint and back problems from a life of hard labor. Likely had to sit by and watch the woman he loved succumb to a debilitating and terminal disease, and then was all but abandoned by his self-centered children.

Well, it has occurred to me lately that God is just such a being. He is the Almighty Cranky Old Bastard.

Yesterday was the National Day of Prayer here in the United States, and a good bit of the official prayer for this day involved groveling before this angry old bastard, because he was upset about some supposed slights that we as a nation had supposedly engaged in. So several people throughout this country (probably more than a dozen or so) spent yesterday asking for this cranky old fart's forgiveness.

Did asking for the ole' windbag's forgiveness help? It doesn't look like it. In his role as one of America's high priests of moral values, Bush sanctioned this day of groveling, and no doubt took part, so you would think that if God were the rational forgiving type that he would help ole' George out. Instead, the news headlines today include findings from a recent poll indicating that 2/3 of the American electorate disapprove of George's job as president.

Now, since Jehovah is all powerful, and able to do anything, you'ld think he would have made a few more people supportive of his chosen leader of the free world. Afterall, Bush has invaded two heathen countries, made steps toward putting women back in their place, and been rather outspoken about his dislike of mono y mono relationships, all while invoking Yahweh's name. How does God reward all this hard work? By being an ass--that's how.

In a way though, God's smite on the president was to be expected. He (God) seems to hate everything and everybody these days. Here's a list of a few of those who have made it onto God's smite list:

Ellen Degeneres and the entire population of New Orleans.

Homosexuals

The United States in general

Ariel Sharon

Churches in Alabama

Ministers in Tennessee

2,500 American service men and women in Iraq

And the list goes on, and on, and on...

But, there does seem to be one group of people that God does like--Large-Breasted, Small-Brained, blonde ex-strippers.

Earlier this week the Almighty Dirty Old-Man arranged for a sympathetic decision by the US Supreme Court which allows former stripper and gold digger Anna Nicole Smith to pursue part of her late husbands 1.6 billion dollar estate.

Yes--Anna Nicole Smith in front of the US Supreme Court--The end of the World is nigh.

This ruling is more proof of God's cranky old man status, because the only thing that ever seems to placate cranky old men are young women who are willing to play pass the viagra with them.

What I think we need to do as God's children, is to obtain power of attorney, and have this old bastard put in a retirement home somewhere in Mississippi. Then he and other retired gods like Zeus, Thor, and Osiris can bitch all they want without causing wars, misery, and death. People do it all the time in order to get a meddling bitter old man out of their affairs.

Barring that, maybe we could introduce him to Anna Nicole Smith, and they could do Trim-Spa commercials together or something. Granted this would mean that Smith would have a shot at controlling the universe, but she couldn't do any worse at it than God is.

Pray Day Forgotten

2006-05-05T06:07:00.000-05:00

Well, now I've really done it. I forgot all about yesterday's National Day of Prayer. I was so wrapped up in thinking about today that I totally forgot to kneel down in my living room and babble to myself.

You see today would have been my late wife's 38th birthday. I was so busy thinking about God's plan of killing 26 year-old mother's of two that I forgot to stop and give thanks for his wisdom and love.

It seems that this year's official prayer for prayer day was especially important, because it involved asking for God's forgiveness for our having despised and rejected him over the past year. According to the official website for the day of prayer, I was supposed to say the following:

2006 Prayer for the Nation
Dr. Henry Blackaby

Oh Heavenly Father, You have made Yourself known to us as a nation by Your mighty works throughout our history. From the beginning, You have been with us through many wars and conflicts; Your right arm has saved us. We have been amazingly and graciously blessed.

Today, we confess our sin of not responding to Your right to rule in our lives and our nation. Too often we have despised and rejected Your will while imposing our own, and we are now facing the consequences of our disobedience. Draw us back to ourself that we may return to Your ways once again. Without You we can do nothing.
You have promised that if we honor You, You will once again honor this great nation.

That is our fervent prayer.
For Your honor and glory we pray,
Amen.

I'm assuming that by not hating homosexuals, not treating women like slaves/sluts, not supporting our president in his annexation of oil fields, not sending money to various churches, and by continually cracking jokes about the stupidity of God and his chosen spokemen I have engaged in despicable rejection of the Almighty.

So now, since I haven't asked for forgiveness for despising and rejecting him, God will no doubt spend the next year mad at me. Most likely I am slated for a good old fashioned smiting.

Oh well, fuck him if he can't take a joke.

A Room With Benefits

2006-05-04T07:18:00.000-05:00

I've had this clipping for a while, but had forgotten about it. It's from the Asheville Citizen Times which is the main newspaper for the Asheville, NC region where I lived before I moved to Indianapolis.

I found this ad while looking for an apartment there. The circled listing is what caught my eye.

It's amazing what you can get with apartments these days. I couldn't take it though, because I have children.

Honest News Coverage from Washington

2006-05-02T09:03:00.000-05:00

Aside from the topics covered in my last post, I would also like to point out a truly great moment from last weekend's White House Correspondents' dinner in Washington, DC.

Almost all of the media's coverage of this event mentioned president Bush's routine with a Bush interpreter, and most of the coverage neglected to mention what a failed attempt to raise his poor poll numbers the routine was. But, what stands out as the most glaring omission by the media, was their lack of attention to the skewering that Bush received from the performance that followed Bush's.

Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, did a twenty minute routine in which he did a wonderful job of bringing into focus the failings of the Bush administration, it's supporters, and the news media that claims to be covering it.

Fortunately, video of this routine is available and I present it to you here.

This is the first of three parts of Colbert's speech. All three parts can be found here.

For many who don't pay a lot of attention to the Bush White House, or the controversies surrounding the American news media's coverage of it, some of what Colbert may not make sense, but anybody who knows even a little about the debacle in Washington known as the "Bush Administration" will get a laugh from it.

My hat's off to Colbert for this performance. It's one thing to be on stage on in a sound stage somewhere cracking on the president--it's totally different to have the guts to do it with him sitting less than 20 feet away. This is the first real show of character, honesty, and bravery to be seen in Washington in a long time. Even if it is just a comedy routine delivered for a paycheck.

Hope you enjoy and learn from it.

Bush's War and Jesus' Strippers

2006-05-02T05:53:00.000-05:00

While in the throes of self-pity I missed a few things worth commenting on: such as Rush Limbaugh's drug problem, May Day, the division within the Catholic, and Baptist churches, and numerous idiotic remarks by the various idiots around the World.

But, two things that definitely need mentioning are yesterday's anniversary of "Mission Accomplished," and Jesus' stripper.

In a speech on Sunday, President Bush displayed his typical lying-through-my-teeth rhetoric on how well things were going in Iraq, but also noted that there was a lot of hard fighting ahead. This of course stands in stark contrast to a speech he gave three years ago yesterday standing beneath the now famous "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln during which Bush stated that major combat operations in Iraq were finished and: "The tyrant has fallen and Iraq is free." The free

In the three years since that rosy little speech/photo-op Iraq has sure been a mess.

Since Bush's stupid little speech there have been 2,258 US military deaths in Iraq; 104 deaths from the UK's military, and another 110 dead soldiers from military units of other 'coalition' countries. Then there's the almost 18,000 wounded American service personnel, some of whom are permanently disabled at the ripe old age of 19.

Then we have the 38,861 known Iraqi civilians killed and the many, many others wounded, and the as yet unknown number of Iraqi and foreign insurgent fighters who have died.

Aside from the daily deaths and bombings, how is this free country doing? Well they still don't have a stable government, are on the verge of a civil war along religious lines, most still do not have reliable water and power supplies, and very few are happy with their new masters in Washington.

But, as Bush has said there must be sacrifices in his "war on terror."

So how is this war going? Well Bush has managed to create more terrorists by his stupidity and actions than Bin Laden could have ever dreamed of having, and these terrorists have increased their attacks by an enormous amount over the last three years. So, since I'm not on drugs like Rush Limbaugh and many of Bush's other supporters, I would call his war so far a dismal failure.

But now lets do like ole' Bushie tends to do when faced with this issue, and change subjects.

I found an article yesterday about a woman who has gone from the lucrative world of the sex industry, to the even more lucrative world of religion.

Heather Veitch, a former stripper and soft-porn actress turned "hair color specialist," is now in her new missionary position for Jesus Christ. Ms. Veitch, along with another former stripper, and a part time school teacher have set up a non-denominational Christian church near Los Angeles called JC Girls Girls Girls. JC and company claims a membership of over 2,100 parishioners, do shows in Las Vegas, have their own website, and have been endorsed by the California Southern Baptist Convention and none other than Pat Robertson.

(Pics are from their website and their use hear conforms with "fair use" policies of copyright laws)
Their website offers to help you learn how to be "fully pleasured, fully excited, fully adored, and fully loved." They have monthly pin-ups, a forum, links to similar sites such as xxxchurch.com and of course a donations page (all donations are used to benefit ministry and outreach efforts of course).

These women have definitely discovered what a wonderful scam the whole Christianity scheme can be, and seem to have fully embraced the wisdom from the following excerpt from the Queensryche song Spreading the Disease (from the album "Operation Mindcrime", 1988):

"Religion and sex are power plays
Manipulate the people for the money they pay.

Selling skin,
Selling God,
The numbers look the same on their credit cards."

And please note that I am not bashing these women in any way. I think that it is wonderful that they have taken such an ignorance riddled philosophy like evangelical Christianity, and are making a tax-free profit from it. My hat is off to you girls. Keep up the good work, and keep the faith.

Chymera's Dark Room

2006-05-01T06:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't been in a very good place internally for the past few days, so I haven't really had the motivation to post anything of substance.

It seems that I've fallen into one of those self-pity modes that I hit sometimes where I am dissatisfied with my life, but unable to make any kind of drastic change to it.

I have decided to get off my ass and redecorate my surroundings in hope that some paint and curtains will help me out of my funk, but it probably won't.

Ah, who knows? Who cares?

For the Useless Fuck Who Has it All:

2006-04-30T00:20:00.000-05:00

Beerbelly is a big success

The Beerbelly- a secret strap-on beer holder that disguises itself as a bulging beer belly - is being marketed in the US.

It was the brainchild of three middle-aged men who wanted a way of sneaking beer into movies and baseball games.

Within just five days of launching their www.thebeerbelly.com website, they had an incredible two million hits and calls for it to be sold worldwide.

The £20 Beerbelly's harnesses slip over the shoulders and around the waist, under a shirt, leaving onlookers thinking the wearer just spends too much time in the pub.

But little do they know, the wearer doesn't actually need the pub - he, or she, has an 80-ounce plastic bladder full of beer constantly at hand.

Now all he needs is an arm extension to beat his wife with, and he will never have to leave the comfort of his Lazy-boy.

Stern Preaching

2006-04-28T09:40:00.000-05:00

BALTIMORE - (AP) Some commuters hoping to ease into their day with National Public Radio or Christian broadcasts are hearing shock jock Howard Stern instead.

Their favorite stations aren't broadcasting Stern's show, which has moved to satellite radio provider Sirius. Instead, poorly installed or defective satellite radio units, which act as mini-FM transmitters, are being blamed.

"Usually they're upset, because they don't know what's going on. This isn't what they tuned in to (hear)," Charles W. Loughery, president of the Word FM Radio Network, a group of contemporary Christian stations in eastern Pennsylvania, told The (Baltimore) Sun.

I would love to have seen the little ole' Christian lady's face when she turned on her radio expecting to hear "praise the Lord!", and instead heard: "She's got nice tits, huh?"

Lara Logan on Lara Logan

2006-04-28T08:37:00.000-05:00

This lady really does a good job of answering the charges of "naysayer negative" reporting from Iraq. It's a real shame that reporters like Lara Logan are an exception and not the rule.

If you watch it, be sure to catch the last few seconds her remark and expression are great.

Via: VideoSift

Heil...I mean Hail me.

2006-04-28T07:54:00.000-05:00

I wonder if it's hard for this guy to remember to put his palm up when he does this.

Nominees: Angelina Jolie, Thong, Saddam Hussein, and Jessica Alba. And the winner is...

2006-04-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

Well, we have come across another day in the calendar where there are no holidays that I can find.

I was going to declare another Angelina Jolie Day, but she is already being honored by magazines and such, and I don't want to come off like some kind of crazed stalker, so I decided not to.

Then I thought about 'Thong Day,' but judging by the searches linking to this blog, every day is 'Thong Day' for many in the cyber-world.

It is Saddam Hussein's birthday, but I think I will wait and have 'Insane Dictator Day' on my president's birthday.

That leaves the anniversary of Mussolini's death, and Jessica Alba's birthday. Since 'Insane Dictator Day' is being put off, I'll just say happy birthday to Ms. Alba and declare it Jessica Alba Day. This give me an excuse to put a picture of her in my blog, thereby increasing hits.

The Dog Fart Thong

2006-04-27T06:42:00.000-05:00

I was checking on links to me again and found that thong searches are still the most popular way to find my blog. While checking on these links I came across a product that I would like to share with those of you who have way too much money and want something to waste it on.

Thanks to the people at Flat-D Inc. the dog owners of the world no longer have to deal with the rude odors that little Fido sometimes emits. Yes, ladies and gentlemen you can now buy fido his very own Dogone - Dog Gas Neutralizing Pad.

This wonderful little innovation uses a washable charcoal filter strapped to your dogs backside to filter the air escaping from his posterior orifice, thus keeping your house free from the odor of processed kibble. And what's more incredible, this device comes in thong form so Spot will not only smell good, but also be quite fashionable around town.

The one potential problem with this device is the resulting loss of a scapegoat for the smells the dog owner himself emits. No more blaming the family pet for one's own odiferous emissions. Well they have that covered too. You can also bye pads for yourself and your loved ones that fit discreetly in your undergarments to filter your digestive gases. There is even a pad for women who wear thong underwear, so they too can be fashionable and fart-smell free. Now no one in your home or office need ever have to deal with your foul intestinal odors ever again, and situations like the one pictured below can be avoided.

Redneck Dreams

2006-04-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

I found the picture below at a website I stumbled upon this morning which poses the question: "What if rednecks ran the country?"

I believe that it goes quite well with my previous post about ignorant ideas. For more photos along this line check out the site. It's good for a laugh or two.

Traitors' Day in Southern United States

2006-04-25T23:40:00.000-05:00

Today in Florida and Georgia in the US is Confederate Memorial Day. Other states throughout the southern United States have similar observances on different days throughout the first half of the year.

Officially, this day is set aside:

"As a day to honor those who died defending the Confederate States of America during the American Civil War."

This holiday is celebrated by ten of the eleven states that comprised the Confederate States during the American Civil War, and Kentucky (my home state) which was a Union state throughout the war, but due to lingering racism, likes to pretend it wasn't.

It is a really sad statement about Southern society that this day is celebrated. This war resulted in more than 970,000 casualties (3 percent of the population), including approximately 560,324 deaths, and was brought about by an act of sedition by the so-called Confederate States of America. The political and military leaders of these traitor states violated the US constitution, and caused a lot of death and suffering over their barbaric desire to maintain slavery as the foundation of their socio-economic structure.

A lot of revisionist historians (mainly from the South) have tried to claim that the war was about states' rights and the interpretation of the 4th Amendment to the US constitution which grants these rights, and that slavery had nothing to do with it, but this is simply bullshit. In the last thirty or so years, as racism has become less accepted in this country so has this stupid revisionist opinion.

The first state to pull out of the Union was South Carolina shortly after the election of Abraham Lincoln as president of the US. All anyone has to do is read South Carolina's letter of secession to see what the reasons were. Yes there is a lot about the rights of states within the federal government, but what right were they seceding to defend?

"For twenty-five years this agitation [the anti-slavery movement in the US] has been steadily increasing, until it has now secured to its aid the power of the common Government. Observing the forms of the Constitution, a sectional party has found within that Article establishing the Executive Department, the means of subverting the Constitution itself. A geographical line has been drawn across the Union, and all the States north of that line have united in the election of a man to the high office of President of the United States [Lincoln], whose opinions and purposes are hostile to slavery. He is to be entrusted with the administration of the common Government, because he has declared that that "Government cannot endure permanently half slave, half free," and that the public mind must rest in the belief that slavery is in the course of ultimate extinction.

This sectional combination for the subversion of the Constitution, has been aided in some of the States by elevating to citizenship, persons who, by the supreme law of the land, are incapable of becoming citizens; and their votes have been used to inaugurate a new policy, hostile to the South, and destructive of its beliefs and safety.

On the 4th day of March next, this party will take possession of the Government. It has announced that the South shall be excluded from the common territory, that the judicial tribunals shall be made sectional, and that a war must be waged against slavery until it shall cease throughout the United States.

The guaranties of the Constitution will then no longer exist; the equal rights of the States will be lost. The slaveholding States will no longer have the power of self-government, or self-protection, and the Federal Government will have become their enemy.

Sectional interest and animosity will deepen the irritation, and all hope of remedy is rendered vain, by the fact that public opinion at the North has invested a great political error with the sanction of more erroneous religious belief.

We, therefore, the People of South Carolina, by our delegates in Convention assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, have solemnly declared that the Union heretofore existing between this State and the other States of North America, is dissolved, and that the State of South Carolina has resumed her position among the nations of the world, as a separate and independent State; with full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent States may of right do."

Adopted December 24, 1860

Over the next two months, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed South Carolina's example.

Upon taking office in March of 1861, Lincoln called the secession "legally void," and said that he had no intention of invading the South, but would use force to maintain possession of Federal property and collection of various Federal taxes, duties and imposts.

In April of 1861 Confederate troops captured Fort Sumter in South Carolina, and Lincoln called up the army to take it back. Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina then joined the Confederacy, and the war was on.

The war lasted 4 years and two months, and ended with the South in almost total economic ruin, and caused divisions in the country that in some ways continue to this day.

Celebration of the soldiers fighting on the side of the Confederacy during this war is the celebration of traitors and enemies of the United States. It would be no different if we as a nation had a holiday honoring the Japanese airman who died at Pearl Harbor, or if the Polish had a national day of mourning for the German soldiers who died capturing Warsaw. If we are going to celebrate traitors and people who cause the loss of American lives, then lets go all out and have a special day of grief for the 19 bastards who died perpetrating the 9/11 attacks.

I'm glad that I now live in a state that, while far from perfect, has monuments not to traitors, but to the poor sons of bitches that fought and died for their country during that stupid war.

My Worldview

2006-04-25T12:33:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, but I am often accused of having a distorted world view.

I believe this opinion of me is based on my belief that all evil in the world can be traced back to religion, emotions, hypocrisy, bad hygiene, and stale jelly donuts.

In any case I present to you my current world view: (well actually it was my world view ten minutes ago, but that's as close as I can get).

Rainy? Yes. A little gloomy? Yes. But, distorted? No.

If I had a distorted world view, it would look something like the following:

So there!! My world view is as undistorted as anyone's, and can be simply summed up by the following illustration:

Shit Happens

2006-04-25T07:09:00.000-05:00

There are so many possible remarks and cliches that could be used for this story:

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. - A 71-year-old man who went outside in the rain to pick up the Sunday newspaper plunged into a cesspool in his front yard, and his son and neighbor were sucked in when they tried to help.

THE definition of a shitty day.

The victims escaped, two with the help of firefighters, covered in raw sewage but not badly hurt.

Andrew Palladino said the soggy ground, soaked by two days of rain, gave way outside his Long Island home: "I walked across the lawn, and all of a sudden I disappeared."

He yelled to his wife for help, and she threw a rope and called their son, Dan, who lives with them. The son said the scene "was like a horror picture."

A neighbor who heard the commotion ran over to help — but the ground gave way again, swallowing him and the son. The neighbor crawled out and passers-by tried to hold onto the others until the Huntington Fire Department arrived.

Firefighters secured the ground, lassoed Palladino and his son and dragged them out.

It's not the first time a cesspool — a pit that collects waste from toilets and sinks — has swallowed someone in Huntington.

In 2001, a man practicing archery in the backyard with his two children died when his cesspool caved in and consumed him.

A shitty way to go.

And in 1998, a Huntington Station man was rescued after he fell 65 feet into one.

You can bet that I will not be making plans to move to Huntington--ever.

Rastafari Holiday

2006-04-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

Today is the Rastafarian celebration of Grounation Day, which is the anniversary of the visit to Jamaica by H.M. Haile Selassie I emperor of Ethiopia in 1966. Emperor Salassie is considered to be Jah, or God incarnate to the Rastafari.

Like all Christian offshoot religions, Rastafari has some crazy beliefs, but they also have a few redeeming qualities: Reggae music rose out of a blend of traditional Jamaican folk music, American music, and Rastafarian drumming and chanting known as nyabinghi. Reggae music helped bring the Rastafari movement into the international mainstream in the early 70's largely due to the popularity of Bob Marley.

And, then there's the Rastafari's ritual use of Ganja (cannabis).

Ganja, a.k.a. herb, kali, or lambs bread, is smoked during many Rastafarian rituals as a way to cleanse the body and mind, raise the consciousness, facilitate peacefulness, and bring practitioners closer to Jah. Rastafari's support their use of ganja as a sacrament with several passages in the Bible including Psalms 104:14 which says:

"He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man."

(As good a use of Biblical nonsense as any I've seen.)

"Burning herb" is not mandatory, but many Rastafarians consider it important as a way to open one's mind to the truth. They contrast their use of cannabis to the use of liquor which they feel only makes people stupid.

So enjoy Grounation Day as you see fit.

Newman's Day

2006-04-24T11:49:00.000-05:00

Today is the official Newman's Day at many colleges and universities across the United States.

Newman's Day is a college tradition involving drinking 24 beers within a 24 hour period. To maintain the spirit of this tradition the beers must be consumed without
falling asleep, changing your daily schedule, or vomiting and all participants must attend classes, meals, and other events as usual. Few students who start the traditional quest actually finish all 24 beers.

Newman's Day is not officially sanctioned by any university.

No one is totally sure where Newman's Day comes from, however some claim 'Newman' refers to Paul Newman. Supposedly, Newman gave a speech at Princeton on April 24 sometime during the 70s and ended by saying "I think I'll go have a beer."

Some people at Princeton and Bates also attribute the line "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not," to Newman as well.

Neither of these statements have every been verified and Newman has denied any connection to the tradition. (Newman has also asked that participants in the tradition do community service instead of binge drinking.)

But, does it really matter where the tradition came from? No I think not. What matters is that people uphold traditions passed down to them from those who came before them. Otherwise we wouldn't have Easter, Christmas, St. Patricks Day, or It should be spring by now fucking for the fun of it Saturday.

And besides--it's another damned good reason to have a few beers, and enjoy life a little without thinking about the horrors of the real world.

Dandelion = Girl?

2006-04-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

Today was ranch-maintenance day here at the Chymera household. I mowed, cleaned out the garage, cleaned gutters, fixed a water leak in the family vehicle, and killed some dandelions in the front yard. Basically I have been trying to keep busy so the nicotine fits are manageable (I am trying to quit smoking, but that's another subject/post for later).

As I was taking my 48th break from work, my twelve year old son asked me why I was killing the dandelions. I went into a bullshit lecture about water usage, expanding leaves, and aesthetics as excuses for killing the damned things.

When I finished my son mused to no one in particular:

It's amazing that something so beautiful can be so much trouble. They're like girls I guess.

It would seem that my son is having more problems in school than just how to get away with not doing homework.

German Bier and German Pranks

2006-04-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

Today is National Beer Day in Germany. Truly a holiday worth celebrating. If ever there was something worth having a holiday for it would definitely be German beer.

All hail the hefeweizen!

As I've mentioned before, I spent two and half years in Ulm/Neu Ulm, Germany with the US Army. I don't remember an official National Beer Day, but in my defense, I was probably drunk when it was going on. The photo below was taken during that time 20+ years ago, and illustrates the effect of German Beer, and American whiskey on 18 and 19 year-old American soldiers. I am the drunk on the left. The man to my right was my room-mate and best friend. The girl taking the picture was a Brit. (Forgive the quality of the photo--it is a 21 year-old photo taken by a drunk English girl of her boyfriend and his room-mate, then scanned for this post)

Composition Note: The photographer said "you two look pissed" while she was framing the shot. Given the difference in the meanings of "pissed" in England and in the US, combined with intoxicated subjects--you end up with two pissed Americans acting like they're pissed.

A recent item to come out of Germany is joke Euro notes. These prank notes have the word "Eros" in the corner instead of "Euro"; have a ring of twelve hearts on them instead of twelve stars; feature photos of body-builder looking men, or large-breasted nude women; and come in denominations of 300, 600, and 1,000 euros (real Euros come in 100, 200, and 500 euro denominations).

Why mention this? Well it seems that the prank notes are occasionally being successfully passed off as real. The people who pull off such stunts face prosecution, but it seems to me that if you are stupid enough to take toy money and give back real change that your action should fall under the tuff-shit standards of stupidity: even if you are feeling the effects of National Beer Day.

Earth Day

2006-04-22T09:32:00.000-05:00

Today is Earth Day here is the US.

Earth Day actually meant something back in the 70's. People started taking pollution, and environmental issues seriously back then, and the government created departments such as the EPA, as well as legislation such as the clean air act.

But now most people are so wrapped up in how to best yank more oil out of the ground, or how best to invade oil rich countries that they don't have time to pay attention to the crap being pumped into the air and water supplies for our children to have to deal with.

Whoa, there for a moment my hippiness was showing. I better get back to trashing people.

Happy Earth Day.

9/11 Conspiracy

2006-04-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

The video link below is a film by a guy who believes that the US government was behind the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington. I would have to do a lot of fact checking myself before I took much of it to heart, but the guy does a good job of presenting his case.

The video is long (1 hr 21 min.), so it would probably be best to stream it from it's own page. Or you can view it at the Google Video site.

A Bit of Activism

2006-04-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

An extremly important and worthwhile cause.

Click on the image for more info.

Study Shows God is Cocaine (Sort of) and People Who Believe are Crazy

2006-04-21T07:14:00.000-05:00

Before I begin I wish to acknowledge Daft Bugger for his (unintentional) contribution to this post. It was he who inadvertently led me to this topic with a reference he made on another post from Mutant Cat who I guess should also share in the acknowledgement section of this post--thanks guys.

(Legal Notice: The comments and opinions contained herein are strickly those of the author, and in no way are the implied opinions of those mentioned above.)

According to a recent study by a Swiss neurologist, there seems to be a connection between belief in the paranormal, and dopamine levels in the human brain. In other words:

"People with high levels of dopamine are more likely to find significance in coincidences, and pick out meaning and patterns where there are none."

This doctor took a group of self-proclaimed believers and a group of skeptics, and showed them pictures of real faces and scrambled faces, as well as real words and made up words, and instructed them to tell which were real faces and words.

"Believers were much more likely than skeptics to see a word or face when there was not one,..."

The believers seeing things that don't exist was not really a surprise to me, after all, I see evidence of this type of occurrence everyday. Nor was it surprising that when skeptics were given drugs to increase dopamine levels in their brains, they became more likely to see faces and words as real. I did my share of "experimenting" when I was young, and saw many strange things when I was stoned.

What was surprising, however, was that the people who believe have the higher levels of dopamine to begin with.

So what exactly is dopamine. Well, it's a naturally occurring chemical in your brain connected with desire or pleasure. It basically makes you feel good. It is an increase in dopamine levels in the human brain that makes cocaine so addictive, because that's what cocaine does to your brain chemistry.

Naturally occurring increased dopamine levels have also been connected to psychosis and schizophrenia, which are two fancy words for crazy.

So there you have it; scientific evidence that belief in gods and such is a mental disease, or an addiction. However, there seems to be hope. Since it is technically a medical condition, there is a possibility that it can be treated, if we can just get those who are afflicted with this crippling disease to admit that they have a problem, and seek help.

I am going to start working on a Jesus Anonymous (JA) program in my own community to help as many as I can. You too can help stop the insanity, by forming outreach programs, engaging in Jesus interventions, smacking people, etc. Working together we can help with the de-jeezification of society--but we need to start now before it's too late.

Vaginal Discharge

2006-04-21T05:57:00.000-05:00

Here is something to mull over in your free time:

Woman Allegedly Smuggles Grenade Into Jail
By Associated Press
Wed Apr 19, 10:44 PM

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador - A Salvadoran woman was detained after she tried to smuggle a military grenade and marijuana hidden in her vagina into the country's main prison, authorities said Wednesday.

Officials subsequently raised the security level at jails across the country, prison system spokesman Alberto Uribe said, adding the discovery showed "the inmates are planning something."

They seem to be planning on using suicide vagina attacks. Beware of exploding vaginas!!!

Lidia Alvarado, 44, was found hiding a cylinder containing the weapon and the drugs, as she entered La Esperanza prison on the northeastern outskirts of the capital of San Salvador, Uribe said.

So--just how did they find this cylinder considering where it was hidden?? And, how was she planning to hand the cylinder over once inside??

She was turned over to police and charged with illegal weapons possession and drug trafficking, he said. Police who inspected the M-67 grenade said it was in working condition.

Alvarado was visiting two inmates, serving 25 and 30 years. Each had been convicted of rape, robbery and illegal arms possession.

Prison Director Wilson Galeas was quoted by the daily newspaper La Prensa Grafica as saying it was not the first time Alvarado had visited the two convicts.

For those of you who don't know NATO military ordinance: An M-67 grenade weighs almost one pound, is about the size of a tennis ball (2 1/2" in diameter) and has a deadly blast radius of about 15 feet. So, now just close your eyes, and imagine a woman walking around with that shoved up her punanny.

Have a nice day.

Eastern Good Friday--Iggy Pop and Robert Smith

2006-04-21T00:34:00.000-05:00

Today is Good Friday in Eastern Christianity, so if you're in Russia, and Christian you are just now starting the whole Easter thing.

To save time I refer you back to the post for Good Friday for the Western Church, because either way I think it's bologna, so no sense repeating myself.

Just to mention something that is actually worthwhile--today is also Robert Smith's and Iggy Pop's birthdays. Happy birthday guys.

A Moment of Light in my Dark Room

2006-04-20T13:42:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I enjoy movies. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have an opinion on just about everything, but usually don't discuss film.

I watch a lot of movies. I watch action films, horror films, dramas, theater, musicals: basically I will watch anything from Hamlet to Hospice. I mostly watch movies to let my mind go blank, or to forget about the drudgery of everyday life. As a result I watch films, like them, or dislike them, and move on for they have served their purpose, and can now be thrown aside.

Occasionally though I find a film that I really like, and will bore the crap out of the people around me telling them about it--this is one such occasion.

Today I spent just under two and a half hours enthralled by a film, that I, as a guy, am probably not supposed to enjoy as much as I did. I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and just flat out loved it.

I must confess that the only reasons I bothered with it in the first place was Zhang Ziyi. I had seen her in Crouching Tiger..., Hero, and House of Flying Daggers (I like Chinese films a lot) and really liked her acting in these movies, and I find her to be very beautiful. But, all three of these films are stylized Chinese martial arts films, and Memoirs... is an artsy American "chick-flick": not normally my cup of tea. Although Happenstance, an artsy French chick-flick is still one of my favorite movies, and there have been other "chick-flicks" that I have enjoyed, though I rarely rate them as more than just a good way to kill a couple of hours.

With Memoirs..., I was hooked soon after it started and I stayed hooked until the end credits. And, most amazingly, I became very emotionally entangled in the film's plot and characters. Normally when I get emotional during a film it's usually the "kick his ass!", or "damn that's hot", or "this movie sucks" kind of emotions. Sometimes I get emotional from having wasted money on the film or video. This time though it was more of the "I'm glad no one is watching me watch this film/I've got dust in my eyes" kind of emotions.

I could go on with a Rex Reedish account of how beautifully shot this film was, how wonderfully acted it was (I also like Michelle Yeoh, and Ken Watanabe), or even how well it was directed, because they are all true statements, but the only truly important thing about the movie for me was that whatever it was that connected me to it brought a little bit of light into what, for me, tends to be a rather dark world.

And for that I sing this movie's praises.

Thong--Not Really--I'm Going to Hell

2006-04-20T06:15:00.000-05:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished me to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!

It seems that I have an extremely high penchant for being a lustful, wrathful, heretic--who knew. At least there's a low probability that I will be repentant (I hate a wishy washy-sinner--don't you). It also appears that while I am prone to being violent, malicious, and treacherous--I am no glutton.

So, at least I won't be a fat heretic running around in the streets screaming that I am God, leering at women, and sneaking around chopping people I don't like into little pieces with an axe. Nope, I'll be thin. Now I know my true destiny in life, and since everything you read on the web is the absolute truth; I guess I need to go get some edged weapons sharpened up for my public debut.

Here is a chart that shows where I fit in on this scale of happiness:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Taoist Goddess and a Comedy God

2006-04-20T01:17:00.000-05:00

Today is the Festival of Matsu in Southeast Asia. This festival honors the compassionate Taoist sea goddess Matsu, who is one of the more popular Taoist deities in Southeast Asia.

Today's date also marks a sad event in the world of entertainment. It was on this date in 1992 that British comedian Benny Hill was found dead in an armchair in his flat in Teddington, England. Best known for the 111 half hour episodes of The Benny Hill Show (which I still watch regularly on BBC America), Hill also did feature films including The Italian Job with Michael Caine, and the classic children's movie, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Unending Thong Search

2006-04-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

Within one hour of my post yesterday about odd searches connecting to my site I had four more links from searches for "thong," so I have decided to put a link in the sidebar for these unfortunate individuals who find my site when they were looking for something totally different. Enjoy the link freaks.

Crackpot of the Month Up and Running

2006-04-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

I have created a separate blog for my new Crackpot of the Month series, and the inaugural crackpot profile has been posted.

To link to the site you can click !!!HERE!!! or follow the picture link in the sidebar of this blog.

Anniversaries--Christian Crackpots in Waco, Texas, and Christian Terrorists in Oklahoma.

2006-04-19T02:47:00.000-05:00

Today marks the anniversaries of two tragic and related incidents in United States history. It is the 13th anniversary of the fiery end to the Branch Davidian standoff in Waco, Texas, and the 11th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Waco Wackos for Christ:

The Branch Davidians in Waco, who were the cause of the standoff, were a splinter group of the Branch Davidian of The Seventh Day Adventist Church. They were led by a crackpot named Vernon Howell who had changed his name to David Koresh in order show his biblical authority as the new Biblical king like David and Cyrus.

Koresh claimed to see the coming end of the world, and that he was the "lamb" of God talked about in the Book of Revelations. People who had escaped his control claimed instead that he practiced polygamy with underage brides, physically abused children, and was stockpiling illegal weapons.

DNA tests have confirmed that Koresh had at least 12 children by members of his little den of insanity, and that some of his many "brides" were as young as 12 or 13.

Following a tip by a UPS delivery man that the Davidians had accepted a delivery of grenade casings, the federal government began investigating Koresh and his band of fruitcakes.

On February 28, 1993, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms raided the Davidian compound in Waco with warrants on illegal weapons charges. The raid resulted in the deaths of four ATF agents and six Davidians, and a 51 day siege of the compound by federal agents.

The siege ended on April, 19 when the federal agents using armored vehicles began knocking holes into the buildings in the compound and pumping CS gas into the buildings.

During this raid three fires broke out inside the main building at different spots simultaneously. Soon the entire structure was consumed by flames.

Two people escaped the blaze alive. One jumped from a window and ran, and another left the building then ran back in, but an agent from the FBI ran in after her and dragged her out. 71 other people, including Koresh died.

Now if all of those who died had been adults, then I would call this event, a moment of good riddance whereby a bunch of nuts got what they deserved, but many of those inside were children, whose only crime was having ignorant parents.

Investigations of the scene showed that the fires were set by the idiots inside the building, and that several of the people inside (mostly children) were shot before they burned.

Many fanatics in the US at the time blamed President Clinton, the FBI, the ATF, and the Attorney General for what happened, but that to me is about as stupid as claiming that the NYC police department is responsible for what happened to the World Trade Center towers.

A couple of those fanatics who blamed everyone except for the idiots in the compound who started the whole mess brought about the next event for which today's date is known: The Oklahoma City bombing.

Christian Terrorists and Anniversaries:

Today also marks the anniversary, of what was the worst terrorist attack on American soil prior to 9/11: The bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma which killed 168 people, 19 of whom were young children in a day care center in the building, and injured over 800 others.

Rescue efforts at the federal complex in which the Murrah building stood included over 12,000 people; one of whom was my cousin who had been in a nearby building on business, and still suffers from nightmares about what he saw that day.

Two men, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, were caught and convicted of the bombing. McVeigh was sentenced to death for the bombing, and was executed a few miles north of were I live in June of 2001. Nichols is currently serving 160 consecutive life sentences without parole. The sentence was given by the presiding judge during the sentencing phase of his trial due to a deadlocked jury.

An accomplice to the bombing, and key informant, Michael Fortier, was sentenced to 12 years in prison and fined $200,000 for failing to warn authorities about the attack. He was released this past January for "good behavior."

McVeigh's excuse for the bombing--"to avenge the Waco massacre."

Of note about the days immediately following the bombing. There was widespread conjecture by many journalists, and present or former government officials that the bombing had been carried out by Islamic Fundamentalists. Very few people openly considered that it could have been a domestic group, despite the rampant domestic terrorism being perpetrated by Christian militia groups, and Christian fundamentalist anti-abortion fanatics all over the country.

When it was discovered that it was Christian fanatics, instead of Islamic fanatics all the talk about religious fanaticism and terrorism ceased. Very, very few people in the media had the balls to call the bombing what it was--An act of terrorism perpetrated by Christian Fundamentalist terrorists.

Freak-Test Results (Thong)

2006-04-18T10:17:00.000-05:00

Well I gave my freak search test five days and had (unfortunately) predictable results. There were far more sex or strange searches that led to my page than results about actual subjects, or themes that I tried to convey. Here are the results as of the time of this post:

Expected (somewhat):

"Thong"--7
"Playboy"--5
"Wet t-shirt"--2
"Jessica Simpson"--1
"Sex picture"--1
"Abusing Yourself"--1 (Probably noticed that I don't give instructions)

Really Freaky:

"North Carolina Castration"--2
"Fellatio Cure for Cancer"--2

Not so Bad:

"Phelps"--1
"Sri Lanka"--1
"Christian Mothers"--1 (This one was no doubt a disappointment to the searcher)
"Pig Olympics"--1
"Reno"--1
"Boishakh"--1

There were other links from other blogs and random blog searches, and a couple from profile searches, which were no doubt due to comments I've left.

So there we have it. The pervs win out. Searches for "thong" are my biggest attraction. So I guess if I want people to read what I have to say then I need to mention thong, Playboy, or some other sex or underwear related subject in the title.

Oh well. I give up. So I've decided to take lessons on searchable posts from Mutant Cat.

Until my training is complete: Here's another thong picture for you connoisseurs:

Teledildonics

2006-04-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently, the wave of the future is a computer based pleasure system known as teledildonics.

It seems that you can buy a kit that includes electronic pleasure devices that are controlled by other people via the internet. Basically, a low tech version of the Excessive Machine from Barbarella--a hand job via keyboard and mouse.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned masturbation. Or better yet why not just go find a real partner?

This will no doubt lead to more middle aged, balding, overweight nerds living in their mothers' basements playing Dungeons and Dragons on one computer and whacking off with another, while yelling up the stairs that they are out of cheesy puffs and diet coke.

Computers all over the World will go blind and grow hair on their keyboards.

Then there will be the rash of teen-age pregnant robots, that we will have to deal with.

All this techno, simulated masturbation can lead no where good.

Zimbabwe Independence Day and the Birth of a Defender of Truth

2006-04-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today is independence day in Zimbabwe. There are no other official holidays around the World.

I was close to announcing another Angelina Jolie Day, but then found that today marks an anniversary of historical note:

It is the birthday of Attorney Clarence Darrow.

Darrow was one of the pioneers of the American Civil Liberties Union in the first part of the 20th century, and was well known for his public agnosticism. He commonly took on cases that no one else wanted, and was famous for defending the "downtrodden" and "hopeless."

His final, and most famous case was the so-called "Monkey Trial" in 1925 where Darrow defended Tennessee school teacher John Scopes for violating Tennessee's Butler Act which forbade the teaching in any public school of "any theory that denies the story of the Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible, and to teach instead that man has descended from a lower order of animals."

Prosecuting the case was three time presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan. Bryan had been one of the leaders in getting the 18th Ammendment to the US Constitution (prohibition) passed, as well as the Butler Act. He was an ardent defender of fundamentalist Christian ideology, and one of the country's most outspoken critics of evolution at the time.

The highlight of the relatively short trial was the unorthodox move by Darrow of calling Bryan to the stand to defend the Biblical account of creation. During the questioning Darrow cornered Bryan on many glaring inconsistencies in the Bible, and the illogical beliefs of fundamentalist Christians. The more Darrow questioned, the more Bryan, and his beliefs looked stupid. Once he caught on to how Darrow was making him look Bryan said that the whole process was engineered:

"to cast ridicule on everybody who believes in the Bible."

Darrow responded:

"We have the purpose of preventing bigots and ignoramuses from controlling the education of the United States."

But, Darrow knew he couldn't win because of where he was and the fact that the judge routinely blocked him from presenting scientific evidence. He closed the trial by telling the judge and the jury that he didn't expect a not guilty verdict, because the verdict had already been determined before the trial began.

Scopes was found guilty and ordered to pay a $100 fine. Bryan offered to pay the fine.

It wasn't until 1968, that the US Supreme Court finally forbade the teaching of divine creation in public schools, and the Fundamentalist crackpots in this country are still trying to overturn that ruling, or at least side-step it.

The real effect of the Scopes Trial at the time was due to the amount of coverage the trial gained from the national and international press.

Due to this coverage by journalists and writers such as H. L. Mencken, the anti-evolutionists, American southerners, and fundamentalist Christians began to be seen by the country and the rest of the World as uneducated "yokels." Menken is credited with using the Scopes Trial as a way to establish the idea of "Southern ignorance and anti-intellectualism."

Unfortunately, this wasn't far from the truth, and even more unfortunate, continues in some parts of the American south to this day despite the overwhelming scientific evidence of evolution, and even having evidence such as pictured below, that humans and apes share a common ancestor.

Some Spring Color

2006-04-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

Tulips
Originally uploaded by chymera.

Finally!! Some color in my yard. I have to mow the grass twice a week now, but at least I have something to look at.

Crackpot of the Month

2006-04-17T10:41:00.000-05:00

Since lent is now over,--Christ has died and the Bunny has risen--my Lenten project, Profiles in Faith series has drawn to a close. But I have decided to replace the series with a new one entitled "Crackpot of the Month."

The individuals who win the title of "Crackpot of the Month" will be those people who exemplify the stupidity, and/or hypocrisy often associated with religious fanatics, but may also be just your ordinary run-of-the-mill crackpots from politics or other crackpot-laden lines of work.

I will start with the Crackpot of the month for April in the near future, so look for the link in the sidebar soon.

Easter Monday--Whips and Water in Memory of Christ

2006-04-17T02:31:00.000-05:00

Today is Easter Monday in western Christendom. In general this is nothing more than one of those ho-hum Christian feasts that everyone, but the most faithful completely ignore.

But in Poland, the Czech Republic, and South Bend Indiana, the traditions surrounding this day are anything but ho-hum. For these places it has become tradition to whip and drench young un-married people.

In Poland, the whipping and drenching is for young women. In some cases a young woman can start her day by being drenched by a potential suitor while she is still asleep. The whippings start immediately and continue throughout the day. Any girl who isn't targeted for such abuse is considered to be beznadziejna or "hopeless" in what is considered a coupling ritual.

The Czech Republic has similar customs, but as I believe Mutant Cat intends to speak to this, and would know more about it, I will let her cover that part.

In South Bend, Indiana the customs are a watered down version of the Polish rituals, and the day is generally just used by adult men as an excuse to go to a bar, drink, and kick off the election season.

So for all you young single women in Eastern Europe--have a fun day, and watch your ass.

Canadian Bacon Rules the Pig Olympics in Moscow

2006-04-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been too busy to keep track, I have a quick update on the Pig Olympics that has the Chinese so upset.

It seems that the Canadian beauty known simply as Antoinette (no last name; like Madonna, or Cher) is the favorite heading into today's final round of competition.

After a day of being forced to run races, play with soccer balls, and being thrown into a swimming pool, Antoinette and her competition were tired, but all seem to be in high spirits and ready for today's stupidity.

(Note: I have just recently learned from Mutant Cat that these olympians could be in danger from sexual predators. Hopefully security is tight around these super swine.)

A Queen, Hallucinations, a Nazi, and a Mixed Up Fairy Tale

2006-04-16T02:17:00.000-05:00

Today is the celebration of the birthday of Queen Margrethe II of Denmark in Greenland. Since the 56,000 or so inhabitants of this little island have little else to do it will no doubt be a big celebration.

Even more importantly, today is the anniversary Dr. Albert Hofmann's discovery of the psychedelic effects of D-lysergic acid diethylamide, or as we know it--LSD, when he absorbed some through his finger tips. His first intentional acid-trip came three days later on April 19.

Dr. Hofmann obviously enjoyed his new-found friend. He called LSD "medicine of the soul," and once said about his new found pastime:

"I think that in human evolution it has never been as necessary to have this substance LSD. It is just a tool to turn us into what we are supposed to be."

It is also Pope Benedict XVI's birthday--the former Hitler Youth member turned Holy Father turns 79 today. Three days from now, April 19, will be the first anniversary of the beginning of his papacy, and coincidently, the 63rd anniversary of Albert Hofmann's first intentional acid trip.

And today is Easter, the most holy day in the Christian calendar, because it commemorates the day that Jesus Christ (hence the name Christian) is supposed to have risen from the dead.

The rising from the dead thing is by far the most important aspect of Jesus' place in Christianity, because it shows him as the true messiah, and son of God, but there is much confusion about the specifics of this act. Yes, among Christians, but the confusion I'm alluding to is in the Bible.

There is a lot of contradiction within the book that is the only place in the Universe that shows this event ever happening. And since it is the only "proof" that this miracle ever took place, you would think that it could be straight about it. Instead, the story of Easter is rife with inconsistency.

To illustrate what I mean, I give you the following (keep in mind that every single book in the Bible is supposed to be true):

Preface to the Resurrection:

Before we get to the stories of the resurrection we must first see what was said about it before it happened. Examine the prophecies to see if they were fulfilled.

Jesus' first mention about what he was going to do comes in Matthew 12:40 (note: for all references I will use the King James Bible, the other versions are basically the same though sometimes the verses are a little different)when the Pharisees ask him for a sign that he is who he says he is. He tells them:

"For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."

Basically he (Jesus) will die; stay dead for three days and three nights; then come back.

This is repeated later in Matthew (16:21)when the narrator says:

"From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again the third day."

So it's pretty clear: Jesus is destined to die and be resurrected three days later, but just for good measure he mentions it again in Matthew 17:23 and 20:19.

So, by now we should understand the scenario--Jesus suffers; Jesus dies; He stays dead three days and nights; he comes back.

The Gospels and Easter:

So now that we know what is supposed to happen, we can see what does actually happen.

On the suffering and dying the Gospels are pretty much in order with their stories. Jesus is betrayed by Judas who then hangs himself or blows up depending on which story you read (Matthew 27:5 or Acts 1: 15-19).

They all also agree that Jesus died and was buried the day before the Sabbath, and had to be taken down before the Sabbath began. The Sabbath begins on Friday at sunset, so Jesus died on Friday ergo--Good Friday. Then Jesus is placed in his tomb.

In Matthew the tomb is sealed and a guard is placed on it so his followers won't steal the body. Then on Sunday morning when Mary (Jesus' mom) and Mary Magdalene came to the tomb, there was an earthquake, and an angel rolled the stone back to show the women that Jesus was gone. The two women don't go inside they just run off to tell people.

In Mark Jesus is placed in the tomb with no guard. Then on Sunday Mary Magdalene, Mary mother of James, and Salome come to the tomb. The three women find the tomb open and go inside where they find a young man who tells them Jesus is gone. This freaks the women out, so they run away and don't tell anyone about it.

In Luke, Jesus is placed in a tomb with no guard and no stone. Then on Sunday morning Mary (Jesus' mom), Mary Magdalene, a woman named Joanna, and other women go to the tomb to find it empty. Then two men appear and tell them that Jesus has risen. This bunch of women run out and tell everybody what they found, but everyone thinks they're crazy, so Peter goes to check for himself.

In John Jesus is put in a tomb with no stone and no guard. Then on Sunday morning, Mary Magdalene goes to the tomb by herself and finds it empty. She gets Simon Peter, and they and two other disciples go to the tomb and find that Jesus has indeed disappeared.

The disciples go home, but Mary is quite upset, and stays by the tomb crying. As she's crying she looks in the tomb and sees two angels who tell her that Jesus has risen from the dead. Then Jesus himself comes up behind her and tells her the same thing.

So there we have it. Four different stories of what happened Easter morning. I myself am partial to the story in John, because it seems to illustrate the special relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

The problem here is the four different stories.

The Bible is the only place in the universe where we find the story of Easter. It is the official reference, and is the book shoved at everybody that ever asks a question about it, yet it is flawed. You see, there can be only one true story. It was either a guarded tomb or it wasn't. One woman came on Sunday, or two came, or three, or many came. The women told a couple people, a bunch of people, or no one. There was no one in the tomb, there was a man in the tomb, there was an angel, there were two angels--it can't be all of them.

With any other story source little discrepancies can be overlooked, but the Bible is an inspired book. That is, God supposedly guided the hands of the authors, so it can't be wrong. But--it is. Three of the stories are incorrect, and if they are incorrect then the whole thing crumbles, because then who's to say what is and is not the truth. And if any of it is wrong, then it is obviously not guided by a perfect being.

Then there's the problem with how long Jesus was in the ground. Like I said, all the stories say dead on Friday, resurrected Sunday morning. That is one whole day, one partial day and two nights. It is a long way from three days and three nights.

I have thrown this one at several people, who have all had different explanations, most of which revolved around creative math. But none of them could ever get any better than three days and two nights, which is still one night short of what Jesus said he was going to do. So, either the Bible lied, or Jesus lied. And since God is supposed to have guided the writing of the book, either way God lied, which is bearing false witness, which is a violation of a commandment, therefore God is going to Hell.

For me, I find it easier to believe in the Easter Bunny, or for that matter-Santa Claus--at least everyone's story about these fairy tale characters is the same.

The rest of the whole Easter business seems like a combination of Benedict's fairy tales, and Dr. Hofmann's hallucinations.

HAPPY EASTER

New York Pussy Finally Free!!!!

2006-04-15T10:39:00.000-05:00

Yes for all of you who have been so focused on this harrowing tale of bravery, and the human/feline spirit--Molly the Cat, New York City's favorite puss is finally free from her Poe-like entombment in the walls of a NYC deli.

Praise be to Bast for Molly's survival.

Damien, Kim Il-sung, and Bunny preparations

2006-04-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

Today is Father Damien Day in Hawaii. A feast day to commemorate Jozef De Veuster a.k.a. Father Damien, who dedicated his life to helping the lepers in Hawaii after so many of the succumbed to the disease after Christian missionaries brought it to the islands.

In North Korea it is also a public holiday--it's The Great Leader's birthday. Yes it's the birthday of Kim Il-sung, the funny looking little man who made North Korea the poverty stricken, militaristic, little communist country that it is today.

Today is also Black Saturday. This is the day that Jesus was busy roaming around in Hell rescuing the Biblical Patriarchs, and other people such as Eve. Today, if you're Catholic, you can't get married, or buried in the church, and there will be no liturgy in the mass because Jesus is in Hell.

Since marriage and funerals are out of the question, it is a good day to set traps around your yard to catch the little bastard that will come by in the morning with all his candy and such trying to convert you to paganism, as we are so aptly warned about by a fellow concerned blogger.

Sex Picture

2006-04-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

As promised in a previous post, I have been keeping tabs on the searches people do that bring them to my blog. While I still intend to bring you the full results, I had a recent seeker of "sex picture" that I thought I would oblige.

Since I do not normally post sex pictures on my blog, I'm sure that the person searching for a sex picture was disappointed by my posts. So here you go Mr. or Ms. "sex picture" search. Hope you like it.

Bonus Picture to really make you sweat:

Free Speech-1 : Stupidity-0

2006-04-14T08:15:00.000-05:00

Question: Can anyone say that the following poem is profane, disruptive, or offensive?

The More Loving One by W.H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

Answer: Yes--Steven West, Dean of Coral Academy of Sciences in Reno, Nevada USA

RENO, Nev. - A federal judge gave a ninth-grader permission Thursday to recite a poem at a state competition that his school objected to, claiming it contained profanity.

The words "hell" and "damn" in W.H. Auden's "The More Loving One," do not constitute offensive language that could disrupt the school's educational priorities, said U.S. District Judge Brian Sandoval.

If "hell" and "damn" are offensive, then shouldn't the Bible be excluded from Sunday school courses?

He issued a temporary restraining order sought by Jacob Behymer-Smith, 14, after school administrators at the Coral Academy of Science told him he could not use the poem in future competitions.

The teen intends to recite it April 22 during Poetry Out Loud, a contest sponsored by the National Endowment of the Arts and the Poetry Foundation.

In granting the injunction, Sandoval said there was "a total absence of any evidence" that the school's prohibition was legal under the U.S. Constitution and that the teen likely would be able to prove his First Amendment rights were being violated.

Academy attorney John Ohlson said Sandoval's ruling was not unexpected. He had argued the issue was not about free speech, but the schools' ability to set educational standards.

So, censorship is an educational standard, but classic English poetry is profane?

Behymer-Smith selected his poem from an anthology of preapproved works by contest sponsors.

A day after he recited the poem at a district contest April 5, academy human resources dean Steven West reprimanded his English teacher and others for the performance. West then told the teen to select another poem because the Auden work contained profanity, according to court documents.

In a hearing Wednesday, the teen told the judge he's practiced the poem twice a day for two months, and that forcing him to choose another would be unfair.

A small note here: Reno, Nevada has legalized gambling, and legalized prostitution, but the words "hell" and "damn" are offensive. This definitely qualifies under the term--"What the fuck?"

Vaisakhi, Pôhela Boishakh, and the Day Jesus Got Nailed

2006-04-14T02:40:00.000-05:00

Today is Vaisakhi, the Sikh harvest festival in India.

It's also Pôhela Boishakh in Bangladesh which is a celebration of the New Year according to the Bangla calendar, which is the traditional calendar in Bangladesh.

And, for much of the Christian World, it's Good Friday.

For those unfamiliar with this wonderful day, it is a Christian observance commemorating the day Jesus was crucified and died.

Various Christian churches have what they consider to be the lessons we are supposed to learn from the crucifixion and death of Jesus, and there have been many, many movies made to show us the sacrifice, love, and blah, blah, blah that we are supposed to see in this act.

For many Christians this is a day of reflection on what it means to be a good Christian. To explain the primary Christian sentiment of this day I paraphrase one of the greatest philosophers of the 20th century, Benny Hill:

Roses are Reddish,
And violets are bluish,
If it wasn't for Easter,
We would all be Jewish.

Even I have learned something important about life and my place in it due to the events of Good Friday.

My lesson came from what I consider to be the best and most historically accurate movie about Easter ever made: Monty Python's Life of Brian.

As the movie draws to a close we are shown the movie's protagonist, Brian hanging on a cross lamenting his terrible fate, when a fellow crucifixee, reminds him that things could always be worse.

In typical Python style this optimistic fellow, played by Eric Idle, breaks into song. The final verse of this uplifting and deeply philosophical song goes as follows:

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life...(followed by whistling)

Music by Eric Idle Arranged by John Altman
Copyright (c)1979 Python (Monty) Pictures LTD.

So, you see, the lesson we should all take away from this the commemoration of the day that Jesus was whipped, and nailed is that things could always be worse.

For instance, people could wander around for thousands of years using you and your death as an excuse to lie and take money from people, or even to hate, and kill people.

Pig Olympics, China, Nipples, and Censorship.

2006-04-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

According to recent reports, "China's official Internet industry association is calling on its members to help the government suppress material deemed subversive or immoral."

It seems that "unhealthy information" is harming China's social structure, and needs to be stopped.

While I'm not completely sure just what information is causing this harm, I'm willing to bet that it has something to do with photos from the Pig Olympics in Moscow yesterday. Last year this grand event was held in China, so the government is no doubt upset about the loss of tourist revenue to their neighbor to the north.

Or maybe the Chinese government caught their citizens doing blog searches for odd things like "bloody mutant kitten nipples" which will lead you to several blogs about Chuck Norris. And, we all know how dangerous Chuck Norris can be for any country's social structure.

Wearable Art...I think.

2006-04-13T08:53:00.000-05:00

For the budding exhibitionist I present new clothing designs from the "Emperor's New Clothes" collection. The Japanese designers are so ahead of their time.

Songkran - Thai New Year

2006-04-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Happy New year!! Or rather; Sawatdii pimaÃ¯!!

Today marks the beginning of the Songkran festival in Thailand, Cambodia, Sri Lanka, Myanmar and Laos. Like Chinese New Year it is an old Astrologically based festival as these countries all recognize January 1 as the start of the actual calendar year.

Songkran is a three day festival of cleansing and renewal wherein it is customary to visit and pay respect to your parents and other elders, as well as give food to Buddhist monks at local temples and clean off the statues of Buddha. It is also customary to pour a small amount of perfumed water on other people's hands as a sign of respect.

The custom of water on the hands has degenerated into what can best be called a massive water fight among the younger Thai's who roam the streets with water guns, bowls and buckets of water, and even garden hoses spraying anyone who gets near them. Basically an ancient tradition of cleansing, respect, and renewal has turned into a massive wet t-shirt contest.

So go out and sling a little water, clean a Buddha, and enjoy.

Men Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds: y/n?

2006-04-12T11:16:00.000-05:00

Answer from Most Popular Myths in Science (picture accompanied answer):

"Males are driven to reproduce, evolutionarily speaking, but there is no scientific way of measuring to what extent that desire consumes their everyday lives. Thankfully, for world productivity as a whole, seven seconds seems a gross overstatement, as best researchers can tell."

While I've never actually kept track, 7 seconds does seem to be a bit much--at least after the first couple of years of puberty.

Jesus, Nipples, Thong, and Jessica Simpson

2006-04-12T09:03:00.000-05:00

This post is an experiment based on some observations made by Mutant Cat yesterday.

According to her observations, and a subsequent test by me, there are certain "keywords" that are searched for quite a bit on google. My intention here is to see just how many people who are roaming around the web searching for silly crap like the stuff in this post's title can be lured into my trap.

I will let you know the results later.

Oh yeah---blowjob. Forgot that one in the title.

Playboy Bunnies in Indonesia

2006-04-12T08:02:00.000-05:00

It seems that Playboy can now be purchased in Indonesia. Though from the sounds of it, the magazine is basically a toned down Victoria's Secret catalogue. As is usually the case--not everybody is happy about the new magazine:

JAKARTA, Indonesia - A group of Muslims protesting Playboy's decision to launch an Indonesian edition of the magazine clashed with police Wednesday and stoned the company's editorial offices, witnesses said.

No one was injured in the protest involving around 150 members of the Islamic Defenders' Front, a small group with a history of attacking bars and nightclubs, as well as Western embassies.

The protesters smashed several windows and the door and gate at the magazine's offices in south Jakarta, witnesses said. Several were seen scuffling with police officers guarding the building.

Playboy's first local edition in a Muslim country went on sale Friday.

It features no nudity, and its photos of women in undergarments are less risque than in other magazines already for sale in the country.

But many Islamic politicians and preachers have condemned the publication, with most saying that the name of the magazine itself was grounds for the government to ban it.

The magazine is selling well, according to vendors, and threatened mass protests against it have failed to materialize.

Okay--we have a small religious group attacking bars and complaining about underwear magazines. Big deal. It's called Sunday services here.

Passover and Yuri's Night

2006-04-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

Sunset tonight marks the beginning of the 7 day Jewish holiday known as Passover. Oassover is a celebration of the Israelites' being freed from bondage according to the story of Moses and the Exodus. It is a week long celebration with feasts, stories, and of course, Matzo.

Today is also an international celebration commemorating the first man in space-- Soviet Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin 12 April 1961, and the first space shuttle launch--12 April 1981.

So we can celebrate with wine or vodka. Be careful if you mix the two, because it is a surefire recipe for hangover.

PIF Update--Fred Phelps

2006-04-11T21:53:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in my profile of Fred Phelps that he and his flock of inbreds were scheduled to make an appearance here in Indianapolis earlier today for the funeral of an American soldier killed in Iraq. Well, it seems that the Westboro Klan never made it.

I'm not sure if it was the local District Attorney's promise to prosecute them under a new Indiana law against picketing funerals; the 200 bikers that showed up for the funeral; or if God just didn't give them enough bus fare, but they missed their chance to spread God's message of hate and ignorance.

Unfortunately they will have many other chances since the war in Iraq will likely continue for some time, and result in many more unnecessary deaths that Brother Phelps can celebrate.

Profiles In Faith-- Fred Phelps and The Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas

2006-04-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

Today's profile is of an especially demented Christian fuckhead from America's heartland: Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr., minister of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas whose main theological premise is:
"'GOD HATES FAGS' -- though elliptical -- is a profound theological statement, which the world needs to hear more than it needs oxygen, water and bread." (from the Westboro statement of purpose at their website)

Brother Phelps and his loyal following have made a name for themselves in the last few years by picketing at the funerals of American servicemen and women killed in the US wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Now anyone who knows me, or has read anything that I have written about these wars knows that I am not exactly a supporter of them. It is my belief that the Us soldiers, sailors, and airmen who have died in these wars have lost their lives because of the stupidity and greed of the man who currently runs this nation.

However, Brother Phelps sees it differently. According to the official stance of the Westboro Baptist church/cult, these men and women have died because:
"They volunteered to fight in a sodomite army for a sodomite nation cursed of God." (from the Westboro flyer: Thank God for 12 more dead marines. We wish it were 12,000)

The latest target of Brother Phelps' godly wrath is 25 yr. old Army corporal Antoine McKinzie, who was killed in Iraq on March 21. His funeral is today here in Indianapolis.

The Westboro branch of God's faithful don't just celebrate the death of American military personnel. In fact, they seem to celebrate the death of just about anybody outside their little klan.

They celebrated the tsunami in southeast Asia because it killed Swedes.

They celebrated Katrina because it hit American shores.

And they went into fits of orgasmic happiness when Pope John Paul II died, because he preached that most evil of doctrines: God loves everybody.

Why they even hate Billy Graham despite his being one of the World's top Baptists.

Yes, Brother Phelps and his flock are definitely an equal opportunity hate group. It would seem that they got their particular brand of theology from the Marilyn Manson son The Beautiful People:

"There's no time to discriminate,
hate every motherfucker
that's in your way."

Well, it might be a bit much to say that Brother Phelps and his followers hate everybody, because they do seem to love each other...a lot.

Brother Phelps does not permit Westboro members to marry persons outside the church. Since relatively few individuals not related to Phelps by blood or marriage have joined Westboro, the result has been some incestuous relationships, such as a sister marrying an adopted brother. There have also been at least two marriages between the Phelps' and Hockenbargers who are related through several marriages which has resulted in some members having dual relations. For example: one member is both the aunt and sister-in-law of another.

It seems that in the eyes of Brother Phelps the only "Godly" unions are those between people who not only share a bed, but also a parent.

With any luck God will soon call on Brother Phelps and his family/parish to go the way of David Koresh. Then we can all watch as the souls of Phelps and his followers ascend to Heaven on billowing clouds of smoke.

Fear and Loathing in Indy

2006-04-11T06:56:00.000-05:00

The cable company tried to give me a coronary this morning. I went to sign on to my wonderful web, and got one of those beautiful "sorry you've been cut off from the web" error messages.

The last time I got one of those I was out for two days, so this time I immediately went into a panic as if someone had just cut off all my oxygen. Luckily all it took was a five minute phone call and I was back on. The tech at the other end of the phone explained what had happened, but I was in too much of a web withdraw to hear anything but:

"Blah, blah, blah, our server. Blah , blah, blah, ok try now. Sorry, blah, blah, blah."

Anyway. I'm back on now, and done panicking. I am way too attached to the web.

Mawlid--Muhammad's Birthday, Feast of the Firstborn, and Buchenwald

2006-04-11T03:47:00.000-05:00

Today is Mawlid--the Sunni Islamic celebration of the prophet Muhammad's birthday. The Shi'as will celebrate it on the 16th. It is generally a day of celebration with processions, decorations, and food, as well as orations and poetry on Muhammad's life and teachings.

I will also, no doubt be used by fundamentalist crackpots as another excuse to violate the Koran and kill some innocent people in the name of God.

On the other side of the religious spectrum; today is the Feast of the Firstborn in Orthodox Judaism. This is a fast to commemorate the salvation of the Israelite firstborns during the Plague of the Firstborns in the Bible. This was the episode where God killed all the firstborns (oldest children)in Egypt with the exception of the Israelites. One of God's many documented acts of mass murder.

In a related note: today is also the anniversary of the liberation of the Buchenwald concentration camp by US forces in 1945. After it's liberation the camp was turned over to the Soviets who used it for another five years as a prison camp for political prisoners, Nazi perpetrators, Hitler Youth leaders and members, as well as a large number people who were imprisoned due to identity confusion and arbitrary arrests. The prisoners held there by the Soviets were denied mail, visitors, and due process. It was basically a mid-twentieth century Soviet Guantanamo.

7,113 prisoners died at the camp while under Soviet control, but this pales in comparison to the estimated 56,000 who died there at the hands of the Nazis.

So today we have some choices. We can celebrate a birthday; a mass murder; or the end of an attempted genocide.

As for me--I think I'll just mow the grass and try to forget just how evil and ignorant mankind can sometimes be.

Look Out Einstein

2006-04-10T08:02:00.000-05:00

I got bored again. So now I know that I could supposedly pass eighth grade science. Granted I did before, but that was several years ago when there was less science to know. And this time I didn't have Carol Bland distracting me (long sad story that I'll keep to myself).

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Angelina Jolie Day

2006-04-10T02:46:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, but I can't find anyplace that is celebrating a holiday or something close to one today. It's "Holy Monday," but that is just because this is holy week so everyday this week is holy (on the Catholic calendar anyway).

So, lacking any real holidays I will call today Angelina Jolie Day. Not really for any particular reason other than I have a thing for her, and it gives me an excuse to post a picture of her and watch some of her films--I know: I lead a somewhat pathetic existence some days.

So Happy A.J. Day everyone. Maybe you could get a tattoo, or adopt a child today in celebration, or just do like me, and have a drink with A.J. Day being the excuse.

Iraqi Freedom Day / Palm Sunday

2006-04-09T10:50:00.000-05:00

Throughout the western Christian world today is Palm Sunday: a day commemorating the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem; it is also the start of holy week whereby Christians the World over are supposed to reflect on the life and teachings of the man for whom their religion is named.

Ironically--it is also the third anniversary of the triumphal tearing down of the large statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad by US Marines. The tearing down of the statue was meant to symbolize the end of Hussein's regime, therefore this anniversary is known by the misnomer--"Freedom Day."

So how were Iraqis celebrating Freedom Day, while George Bush was attending Palm Sunday services at St. Johns in Washington?

Well, so far, there have been five roadside bombs exploded killing three Iraqis and wounding many others; US forces have killed 8 "suspected insurgents" in a raid and airstrike north of Baghdad; Iraqi police discovered four handcuffed bodies in southern Baghdad: three more people died from injuries in last week's mosque bombing; a man was killed northeast of Baghdad when the bomb he was building exploded in his face; the formation of a solid unified Iraqi government is still at a deadlock; many Iraqis are still without electricity and other utilities; and the Iraqi Islamic Party, the largest Sunni political party in Iraq, issued a statement calling Freedom Day "an anniversary of occupying Iraq, not liberating it."

Happy Freedom Day.

Araw ng Kagitingan ("Day of Valor")

2006-04-09T03:17:00.000-05:00

Today is a national holiday in the Philippines, known as Araw ng Kagitingan ("Day of Valor") or simply "Bataan Day." It is a day set aside to commemorate the approximately 10,000 US and Filipino troops who died during the forced relocation of Allied prisoners of war by the Japanese after the fall of the Philippines to the Japanese in late 1941.
.
This relocation became known as the Bataan Death March, and served as a rallying cry for Americans during the early days of the United States' involvement in the Pacific theater during World War II.

After the war, the Japanese general in charge of the march, Masaharu Homma, was found guilty of war crimes, and executed outside Manila.

Oh yeah--it's also Palm Sunday which commemorates the entry into Jeruselum by some dude a couple thousand years ago. Maybe I'll discuss this in another post.

Downtown Indianapolis

2006-04-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned several times that I actually like the city I just recently started calling home, but have never offered proof that I in fact live here, so since today was such a beautiful day and I had nothing better to do I went downtown and took a some pictures of the city. I present a few of them here for your perusal.

Hope you like them.

A view of downtown from the cafe outside the Indiana State Museum.
The building behind and to the left of the blue building in the center is the one damaged in the storm I mentioned last week

A shot of the fountain in the central canal area in downtown Indianapolis

The Soldiers' and Sailors' monument in the center of town. It's a monument for the union soldiers from Indiana in the American Civil War

There are four forty-foot-high bronze candelabra style lamp posts around the Soldiers' and Sailors' monument. This is one of the bears at the base of one of them. I believe the bears are supposed to be holding up the posts, but to me it looks like they are offering themselves. Maybe it's just my twisted mind.

Profiles In Faith--Dena Schlosser

2006-04-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

Psalms 137:8-9 0 daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

Today's good Christian comes to us from that holiest of holy places--Texas. Texas is home to our president, an overworked execution system, a multitude of televangelists, and the latest in a long string of Christian mothers--Dena Schlosser.

Sister Schlosser was found "not guilty by reason of insanity" yesterday by a court in Texas for the murder of her 10 month old daughter by cutting her arms off.

The case started when police responded to a 911 call in November 2004 and found Sister Schlosser in her living room, covered in blood, holding a knife and listening to a church hymn. She had sliced deep into her own shoulder and chopped the arms off of her baby. She couldn't understand why she was being taken to jail for "following God's will."

Sounds bad, but our good Christian thought the Apocalypse was upon us and was basically commanded by God to cut her daughters arms off and her own arms, legs, and head, then in some way to give them to God. So you see she was doing God's will like so many other good Christians throughout history.

And since God didn't stop her from dismembering her own daughter he obviously wanted it to happen, because as we are all told time and time again--God can do anything.

Sister Schlosser is following a tradition among Christian mothers that goes back years. Among others, there was Andrea Yates who drowned her five children in a bathtub in 2001 because Satan was after them, and Deanna Laney who bashed her sons' heads in with a rock on Mother's Day 2003 to prepare for the end of the World. God used to kill children himself, now it seems he prefers to use mothers.

We can only hope that if the god these women believe in exists he will make sure that Sister Schlosser and other mothers like her are adequately rewarded for their treatment of their children.

I Miss the Far Side

2006-04-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

I found this during my aimless wanderings through the web.

It brought a smile to my face--hopefully it will do the same for you.

Thong Bandit

2006-04-08T07:40:00.000-05:00

I think this guy spent way too much time looking at Victoria's Secret catalogs.

MENOMONIE, Wis. - A 25-year-old man convicted of stealing hundreds of pairs of underwear was sentenced on Friday to one year in jail for his second conviction of stealing panties.

Anthony Allen Scholfield was also sentenced to 10 years probation on Friday in Dunn County Circuit Court, following his guilty plea to a felony burglary charge in February. He had faced more than 18 years in prison.

18 years for panty theft--can you imagine what would have happened to a guy in prison for stealing panties?

"It sure could have been a lot worse. It's a difficult crime," said Scholfield's attorney, Peter Morin.

Scholfield had been accused of stealing three pair of thong underwear from a woman last summer. He allegedly broke into the woman's home while she was out of town and stole what the woman described as "very distinctive-looking" underwear.

Now I'm curious about the "very distinctive-looking" thongs.

Scholfield was arrested a short time later after police found the underwear at his residence.

Scholfield was convicted of a similar felony burglary in 2003. Police had linked him to the theft of 854 panties.

His probation had ended days before the burglary last summer.

Scholfield will have to register as a sex offender because of his crimes, said Dunn County District Attorney Kris Cusick. He must also undergo sex offender treatment and pay a $2,500 fine.

This guy should really look for a new hobby.

Happy Birthday Buddha

2006-04-08T03:19:00.000-05:00

Today Japan celebrates Gautama Buddha's birthday. It isn't a national holiday, but hey it's Buddha's birthday. So happy birthday to one religious figure that I have no problems with.

Oh--That Makes it Okay Then

2006-04-07T11:50:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of news coverage over the last week here in the States about an alleged incident of gang-rape at Duke University in North Carolina.

According to the charges, three members of Duke's Lacrosse team raped a student/stripper at a party off campus. The jocks naturally say it's untrue.

Since the assholes involved were white and the victim is black, this incident has also sparked some racial tension in a state where racism runs rampant (I lived there for almost five years and make this statement from experience not stereotyping).

Today it was reported that the attorney for one of the accused has made the following statement:

"Some of the boys felt they'd been ripped off, and so they were angry. And were there ugly words that may have been spoken that are inappropriate? Yes. Was there any kind of rape that happened? No."

It seems the dancer didn't perform long enough for these dick heads, so they got angry. Poor babies.

For many people this excuse may sound stupid, but in reality it will probably help the defendant a lot.

This country has a history of judging a crime based on the victim. This is especially true of rape. There have been many cases where judges have found rapists innocent because the woman who was attacked was dressed provocatively, or was a stripper, or was just plain "asking for it." It is part of the good wholesome Christian morals in this country to blame people that your average Bible-thumper would look down upon for anything that is done to them.

I'm guessing at this point that these boys will get off with a hand slap and the victim will be dragged through the mud and have her life further ruined. I hope this turns out not to be the case, but three "fine upstanding white boys" being tried for raping a "black stripper" in North Carolina just doesn't seem to be the recipe for justice.

Is She Still Single?

2006-04-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

I got bored and took one of those silly tests again.

Now if I can just convince her that this means we are destined to be together.

Honestly I'm thinking my chances aren't good.

Your Musical Tastes Match: Nicole Kidman

See her whole playlist here (iTunes required)

What Celebrity Matches Your Taste in Music?

Blow Job Breast Cancer Cure?

2006-04-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

A lot of people actually fell for this when it was originally published. Pay special attention to the names in the article.

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

The research consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

Profiles in Faith--Richard G. Butler

2006-04-07T03:24:00.000-05:00

Today's profile is of a man who embodies some of the most prevalent aspects of the Christian faith in modern America: hate, ignorance, and other Christian family-values.

That man is Reverend Richard. G Butler, founder of the Church of Jesus Christ Christian, and the Aryan Nations.

Reverend butler's philosophy was (he died in 2004) simple:

Anyone who is not an American white protestant Christian is evil and should be wiped from the face of the Earth.

Can I get an Amen from the fanatics out there?

Yes, according to this aeronautics engineer turned man of God:

The Biblical God, or Yahweh, created a single race in his own image - the White Race. These are the Chosen People. The message of the Bible, both Old and New testaments, is a message only for the White People. Only White People have souls, or have a hope of salvation. The identity of the White People - and hence the name Christian Identity - is that they are the Old Testament Israelites. Some Identity believers follow all of the dietary laws and prohibitions of the early chapters of the Bible, and the majority maintain a fundamentalist belief in the literal interpretation of Biblical texts. In their view, Christ himself was a blue-eyed, blond-haired Israelite, with absolutely no Jewish ancestry, or any connection to the Jews. To claim that Christ had a Jewish genealogy is, from the point of view of Identity, a blasphemy of the first order. The White People eventually became dispersed from Israel and settled in Northern Europe, Scandinavia, Britain, and eventually, in the ! USA, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. These White People are known as the Aryans, and where they live are the Aryan Nations.

Yes the same message we've all been taught in a less direct way by every major Christian cult since some schizophrenic megalomaniac was nailed to a cross nearly 2,000 years ago. Never will you meet a more Christian follower of Christ than this guy.

Butler and his neo-Nazi Ku Klux Krazies go on to say that every other group of people on the planet is "soul-less" and was created by God to serve as "slaves and servants" to the ignorant, white-trash, protestant idiots who are willing to give money to the cause of racial and spiritual purity.

Butler founded the Church of Jesus Christ Christian, and its "political wing" the Aryan Nations in 1971. Then for the next three decades the good Reverend set out to educate the ignorant white trash of North America with his purified form of Christianity.

He did ok until the mid eighties when the "liberal-Marxist-homosexual-Zionist coalition" (a.k.a. the federal government) began putting many of his followers in federal penitentiaries for such Biblically sanctioned actions as murder, rape, and armed robbery. But, thanks to the support of his god (and his wealthier followers) Reverend Butler persevered.

Throughout his career he managed to set up a school for 6-14 year old students, support white supremacist bands and organizations across the U.S. and Canada, coalesce many differing factions of the Ku Klux Klan and other Christian/Nazi organizations in America, and set up congregations in several states throughout his beloved Christian nation. Though he never quite succeeded in wresting the Pacific north-west away from the United States so he could form a "racially pure" country of his own.

Then in 2000 his god failed him and he lost a lawsuit to two Native Americans who had been beaten and shot at by Reverend Butler's parishioners. The settlement of the lawsuit was of 6.3 million dollars. The Reverend had to file bankruptcy. His loyal followers began deserting him, and his church splintered. Then just four years later he died of natural causes.

But, Reverend Butler's ideology lives on in our great Christian nation, and followers of his hate-based initiatives still thrive in some parts of the country, thanks in large part to the brain washing supplied by those wonderful purveyors of blind stupidity known as fundamentalist American Christian churches.

Today's Celebrations--World Health Day and Legal Beer

2006-04-07T02:19:00.000-05:00

Today is World Health Day, which is an annual observance put on by the World Health OrganizationWorld Health Organization as a way to emphasize health issues that have a global impact. This year's focus is on the shortage of qualified health care workers.

If that isn't enough reason for a party then consider that today is also the anniversary of the end of prohibition for beer in the United States (1933).

It would be almost 8 months before all other alcoholic beverages were legalized, but hey you take what you can get.

More Meat or Fewer Eggs? You have a choice.

2006-04-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

It seems that a lot of men in this country are upset with their equipment. We have guys cutting their own Johnsons off and throwing them at the police; and then there's this guy:

PHILADELPHIA - A man pleaded guilty to weapons of mass destruction charges for sending a mail bomb to a Chicago surgeon he said botched his penile enlargement surgery, though his attorney questioned whether the charges fit the offense.

Now we know where all of those WMDs are--they're in Philly.

Brett R. Steidler, 25, of Reamstown, Lancaster County, mailed the explosive device in February 2005 because he was "extremely unhappy with the results" of the $8,000 surgery, Assistant U.S. Attorney Jennifer Arbittier Williams said in court filings.

$8,000 dollars!? All the enlargement ads/spam in my e-mail were much cheaper.

Did anyone else notice that the guy who wants a bigger penis is from Reamstown.

But Steidler alerted authorities before the bomb arrived and it was retrieved from the mail and disarmed. His attorney, Luis A. Ortiz, said Steidler is mentally ill and noted the difference between the roughly 2-year sentence for mailing a letter bomb and the 4- to 8-year sentence for using a weapon of mass destruction.

"You shouldn't group this guy with people who drive truck loads of explosives to buildings or gather anthrax or do things for political reasons," Ortiz said.

Maybe not, but he will be very popular in federal prison.

Maybe Mr. Wannabigdick should have gone to this guy instead:

WAYNESVILLE, N.C. - The man at the center of an investigation into castrations at a sadomasochistic "dungeon" spent 23 years working at a Veterans Administration medical center in Kansas, according to federal officials.

Richard Sciara, 61, worked as a physician's assistant at the Colmery-O'Neil VA Medical Center in Topeka, Kan., from February 1976 to June 1999. He did not have a medical license, officials told the Asheville Citizen-Times, because one was not required at the time he started working for the VA.

Investigators believe Sciara and two other men castrated at least six men at a home in rural southern Haywood County. The men are charged with castration without malice, conspiracy and with practicing medicine without a license.

Investigators have said they believe Sciara and the other two men — Michael Mendez, 60, and Danny Carroll Reeves, 49 — were lovers involved in master-slave relationships; at the time of their arrest last week, Sciara was advertising on the Web for more men to add to his "stable of slaves."

District Attorney Michael Bonfoey said Tuesday the state plans to present details of statements the three men made to investigators at a probable cause hearing scheduled for April 12.

The three men are represented by court-appointed lawyers.

Up until last November I lived about 15 minutes away from these guys (I don't think I ever met them). I had no idea there had been an elderly-slave stable nearby. Just goes to show you never really know your neighbors.

Tartan Day

2006-04-06T04:30:00.000-05:00

Today in North America is Tartan Day. A day set aside to recognize the links between Scotland and Scots in North America. In the United States it is a day officially recognized by the US Senate in 1998 as a day to honor the contributions of Scots to American culture.

April 6 was chosen as Tartan Day, because it is the anniversary of the Declaration of Arbroath which was a letter stating Scotland's assertions of independence in 1320. It is believed to have influenced Thomas Jefferson's Declaration of American independence written in 1776.

So grab yourselves a kilt, some bag pipes, and a bottle of good Scottish whiskey and have at it.

Bullets Don't Kill People--Idiots Do

2006-04-05T14:16:00.000-05:00

The following is from an AP article:

VENTURA, Calif. - A teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say.

The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class.

Part of Colla's right hand was severed and he suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds to his forearms and torso, fire Capt. Tom Weinell said. No one else was injured. He was reported in stable condition at a hospital.

The teacher slammed the shell down in an attempt to kill something that was buzzing or crawling across the desk, said Fire Marshal Glen Albright.

Colla found the 40 mm round while hunting years ago and "obviously he didn't think the round was live," said Dennis Huston, who teaches computer design alongside Colla.

The scary part there is that this guy was hunting--which means that he owns firearms.

Today's Holiday--Qingming

2006-04-05T13:27:00.000-05:00

Every day is a holiday for someone some where in the World, so starting today I will try to remind people what special day they are supposed to be celebrating. These entries can also be used as a handy excuse to have a party for those who are bored.

Today's holiday comes to us from China.

Qingming (Clear and Bright) is an official holiday in China. It is a time for people to go outside and enjoy the greenery that comes with the onset of Spring, and a time to clean out the gravesites of one's ancestors.

So happy Qingming everybody---Go clean a grave and enjoy the Spring.

Honesty 304: "I know I've lied 5,000 times before--but this time I'm telling the truth."

2006-04-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

An indirect stab at me in another blog yesterday reminded me that I had promised in an earlier post to continue my lessons on honesty, so today I present Honesty 304: "I know I've lied 5,000 times before--but this time I'm telling the truth." This lesson will explore one of the end results of pathological lying which I like to call the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" effect.

Many habitual liars have a really hard time understanding why no one believes them after a while. They get angry, frustrated, and often, rather spiteful when they realize that everything they say is treated with suspicion. These people become miserable because they feel "picked on" or just alienated.

What they fail to realize is that by lying on a habitual basis they have turned themselves into a "Boy Who Cries Wolf."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Cry Wolf analogy, it is based on an old Aesop's Fable shown below:

There was a Shepherd Boy who tended his sheep at the foot of a mountain near a dark forest. It was lonely for him, so he devised a plan to get a little company. He rushed down towards the village calling out "Wolf, Wolf," and the villagers came out to meet him.

This pleased the boy so much that a few days after he tried the same trick, and again the villagers came to his help.

Shortly after this a Wolf actually did come out from the forest. The boy cried out "Wolf, Wolf," still louder than before. But this time the villagers, who had been fooled twice before, thought the boy was again lying, and nobody came to his aid. So the Wolf made a good meal of the boy's flock.

Moral of the story: That is the kind of thing that happens to people who lie: even when they tell the truth no one believes them.

An example of how this applies to everyday life would be something like:

Person 1--"I am staying home tonight."
Person 2--"Okay, I believe you."

But then Person 2 discovers that Person 1 went out partying that night.

Two days later:

Person 1--"I have never met Person 3."
Person 2--"Okay, I believe you."

But then Person 2 discovers that Person 1 was partying with Person 3 on the night Person 1, had supposedly remained home.

Two days later:

Person 1--"I will never lie to you again."
Person 2--"Yeah, Okay, if you say so."

What has happened here is Person 1 has reached the point where Person 2's statements are all under suspicion. Person 1 showed a pattern of dishonesty, so now Person 2 is having a hard time trusting him or her. Sometimes, the initial feelings of distrust will dissipate after a while and the trust will come back. But, this trust is not as strong as it once was, so if Person 1 is caught lying again, the trust will be lost almost immediately:

Two months later:

Person 1--"I haven't been partying since I told you I wouldn't lie."
Person 2--"Good."

But then Person 2 discovers that Person 1 had indeed gone out partying a couple of times over the last month.

Next day:

Person 1--"I'm done partying, and lying."
Person 2--"And pigs are flying formations over my house!"

Person 1--"I am telling the truth. I have changed I realize what I have done."
Person 2--"Prove it."

Now the trust is gone and Person 1 is in a very tough situation. Person 2 will most likely doubt everything he or she is told by Person 2 for a long time (if not forever). So, now Person 1 will have to make a concerted effort to regain Person 2's trust, which is a very hard thing to do.

Many people in Person 1's predicament fail, because they can't see that Person 2's distrust of them is not a failure on Person 2's part, but rather repeated failures on the part of Person 1.

Person 1 often starts out thinking that trust will come back soon, and they go on as before, but Person 2 usually needs a long time without being told a lie before the trust can start coming back, so Person 1 gets frustrated and begins trying to put the blame for lying on Person 2, or even accusing Person 2 of being a liar so the focus will shift to their honesty.

Most often at this point, Person 2 starts thinking that Person 1 is hiding something and trying to shift focus to cover it, and the trust vanishes forever.

Once a person becomes known as "A Boy Who Cries Wolf" it is very hard for them to lose that label. Eventually many of them begin lying to themselves to the point where they forget that they ever lied to anyone, and their entire life becomes one big miserable cycle of lying and excuses.

Some people recover, and go on to live decent lives, usually out of a need to recover something, or someone they lost with their lying.

But, recovery from the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" effect is a long hard road that most habitual liars don't seem willing or able to walk.

I Guess I'm Screwed

2006-04-04T09:59:00.000-05:00

According to an article I found this morning, going to regular church services may help a person live longer.

At first glance this seemed to be one of those things that people could point to and say: "See going to church helps." But, as with most things on this subject, once you really look at it, it turns out that the opposite is true.

According to the study, people who attended church on a weekly basis lived from 1.8 to 3.1 years longer than their heathen counterparts. So, if you take one day a week out of your life and give it to a church you get, in return, 1.8-3.1 years tacked on to the end of your life. It doesn't say anything about being healthier, it just says longer life, so if you suffer from dementia, alzheimers, incontinence, or are bed ridden you get 2-3 years more of it. And all you have to give up for that is 52 days a year, which over 60 years works out to 8.5 years of your younger, healthier life for 3.1 more years at the end.

To me it doesn't sound like a fair trade.

Then there's the economic side of it. According to the same study, those 3.1 years cost about $7,000 a piece. Meaning you give an average of $7,000 dollars to churches for each extra year of crapping in a diaper. Or, according to the study, you could pay an average of $4,000 dollars per year to maintain a healthy lifestyle and get up to 5.1 years extra. So--ride a bike or sit in a church: either one helps, but the bike is cheaper and gives more benefit.

This study does seem to have merit though regardless of how the benefits are viewed, but it is not a sign that God or Achilles (or the Great Cat God) is helping--it's the social aspect of the whole thing that seems to help. This is shown through other studies published on the same site. There is a study which shows that loneliness decreases life spans in the elderly, and another that links pessimism to shorter life spans.

So basically it's the gathering together with like minded individuals and convincing each other that you are among the chosen that helps you live longer. The same thing could be accomplished by spending Sunday afternoon with friends at a sporting event.

On a personal note: when taken together, these studies seem to show that pessimistic, lonely, atheists like myself are somewhat screwed in the whole long lifespan thing. So I guess I need to find someone who will go bar-hopping with me, or give me regular exercise, and convince me that life is good. Anyone interested in making me live longer may e-mail applications to me for consideration.

Going Home

2006-04-03T10:02:00.000-05:00

I did something this past weekend that I had been telling myself for years I would never do. I went back to the city I lived in for almost thirteen years after I got out of the Army: Owensboro, KY.

Owensboro is where I met, married, and buried my wife. It's where both of my children were born. I did five of my six years in college in Owensboro. Most of my immediate family still lives in or around there. And, Owensboro is the only place I have ever lived for more than four or five years at a stretch.

Owensboro is a decent sized city that isn't really a bad place to live. It's got a decent economy and job base; three good colleges, and though it sits in the middle of America's Bible-belt the religious fanatics aren't too overwhelming. And to my surprise it even has a Starbucks now which makes caffeine fixes easy. But there were some bad things that happened to me there which made me leave, and have been what's kept me from going back.

Like I said earlier, it's where I buried my wife, and as traumatic as that was, I still wanted to stay, because Owensboro was also where ninety percent of the events that constitute good memories with her took place. But a couple of years after she died, I met, and fell in love with another woman there, and after two and a half years our relationship ended--badly--and then after a while she started trying to come back into my life, so I just left.

Oddly enough, the person who was the reason I left Owensboro was also the person who talked me into going back for the weekend. How? You might ask. Well, she is my room mate here in Indianapolis, sort of. Explaining that would take a lot more explaining than I have space for here. Anyway, she flew in on Friday and wanted me to take her to see her parents. Since I had nothing to do anyway I did. I drove her to her Dad's house where she and my kids stayed, and I went to an old college buddies place and stayed with him and his wife.

The weekend was basically unblogworthy, but I did discover something about myself. I am not a nostalgic person. I spent two nights and a day in the one place on this planet that holds more happy memories for me than most other places combined, and all I did was visit a cemetery, and drive around looking at 7 years worth of new construction (the bridge pictured was the only thing worth looking at--and the Starbucks). I had no desire to look at my old house, stop by the college I went to or even look up old friends. I basically killed time then came home.

It seemed odd to me that I was so blase about the whole trip considering how many major life events I had had there. Most people I know would have at least visited such a place instead of just looking at it. And, it wasn't like I hated the place either, because I wasn't driving around itching to leave. It was just another small city on the Ohio river. Maybe nostalgia just isn't my cup of tea.

The only real excitement of the whole weekend happened within a few hours after I got back home. I got back just in time to wade into the crowd of 80,000 pictured here for a free John Mellencamp concert put on by the city, and then a couple hours later got to see what might have been a tornado strike downtown Indianapolis. I also found out that I had missed a tornado just a few miles from my house on Friday night. The picture below is from the news paper, (as is the concert photo) and is of some of the damage to a building near where the concert was held.

So I guess if I want to do anything exciting and interesting from here on out, I should just remain in my own yard, and quit trying to get something from my past.

All Hail Achilles

2006-03-31T10:11:00.000-05:00

Archaeologists have found the palace of Ajax on an island near Athens, Greece. Ajax was one of the great Greek warrior kings mentioned in Homer's Iliad. For those of you who don't know, the Iliad is the story of the Trojan war where the Greeks went to Troy to take back Helen the abducted queen of Sparta.

For many hundreds of years the story of Helen, Ajax, and the Trojan war was considered purely myth. But, archeological evidence from many places in Greece, Cyprus, and Asia Minor found over the last century has shown that the war was probably a real historical event.

The major hero of Homer's story was Achilles, the son of a mortal man and the goddess Thetis. According to various Greek myths Achilles was invulnerable, or immortal, except for a small patch on his heel. His mother had told him that if he went to the war he would be killed, but assured everlasting glory. She also told him that if he didn't go to war he would have a long, but uneventful life. He chose war and glory, and was killed by Paris who hit him in the heel with an arrow and caused a wound that eventually led to infection and death.

So why is this a big deal to me. Well since I was a boy I have loved the Greek myths especially Homer's tales of Achilles and Ulysses, so anything discovered that shows these stories have some validity is exciting to me.

When viewed through Christian logic this becomes more than just an interesting archeological find:

First--you take the archeological evidence supporting the Iliad and compare it with the lack of archeological evidence supporting the story of Jesus, or Moses, or Noah, etc. you quickly see that there is more evidence for the Iliad than there is for a lot of the Biblical myths.

Then--Add, this fact to the flawed Christian logic that if anything mentioned in their myths even remotely resembles anything found by archaeologists then the story is real.

Conclusion--There is more evidence for the existence of Zeus, Athena, Achilles, and Ulysses, therefore they were/are real and the Christian god is merely a myth.

So---all hail Achilles!!!

Your Heathen Heart

2006-03-30T16:03:00.000-05:00

Well it seems that prayer doesn't help you during recovery from heart surgery, and may, in fact, cause you problems.

According to a study led by Dr. Herbert Benson of Harvard Medical School and reported on by the AP, prayer had no effect on recovery following surgery except for patients who knew they were being prayed for. These patients actually had a higher instance of complications.

The researchers in this study pointed out that their study cannot address the issue of whether or not God exists, or if this God fellah answers prayers; it could only say that having someone pray for you during surgery doesn't seem to help.

To me it shows that if this God thing exists, then he/she/it doesn't give a holy shit whether a person makes it through surgery or not. Or it could be that he/she/it was too busy counting the billions of dollars raised every year in this country in God's name, or too busy with all the wars being fought in his/her/its name. And I, unfortunately have experience in such matters, because none of the stupid prayers offered for my wife after her surgery kept her from dying, and these prayers came from three different denominations that I am aware of.

But then again the surgeons probably weren't dancing around babbling like idiots and smacking their patients on the forehead either, so they weren't doing the whole healing ritual the right way to begin with.

Granted no one that would pray for someone in surgery is likely to stop just because of a scientific study, or because it makes no sense and does no good.

After all, if they were that smart they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

I Should be a Televangelist

2006-03-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

I found this test on the Gods 4 Suckers blog and had to take it.

As you can see I would make a wonderful televangelist. Now to start passing the plate so I can get airtime.

The False Prophet
You scored 50% Pride, 65% Envy, 55% Ambition, and 70% Deceitfulness!

You are the False Prophet, a member of the unholy trinity along with The Antichrist and Satan. In the Bible, you are described as having two horns like a lamb, but speaking as a dragon. Essentially, this means that you are a master of deception. If only the people of the Earth knew better than to put their trust in you. You have the power to work miracles, including the ability to make fire rain down from heaven. Your primary goal on Earth is to force all people to worship the Antichrist. You are a very ambitious person, so you will carry out this task with a great zeal. After you’re finished, people will not only worship the antichrist, but they will worship his image as well. That’s impressive! In spite of your ambition, you know your role and are happy to serve under the Antichrist. This is because you are a humble person and don’t mind sharing the spotlight with others. You are also a rather cruel person, so your goals line up quite well with the sinister plans of The Antichrist. No doubt, this is another reason why you won’t mind serving him; You can both realize your evil dreams together. The picture shows you being cast into the lake of fire with the Antichrist.

Link: The Which Biblical Villain Are You Test

I Found the One True God!

2006-03-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, maybe it isn't really the "One True God." But, it makes just as much sense, if not more, than the one's being forced down our throats now. And it seems to have a lot of Scientific and Scholastic backing.

(PIF) Profiles of the Resurrected:

2006-03-28T07:26:00.000-05:00

My first Profile of the Resurrected is of a vampire who, quite honestly, has been a hero of mine since the late 1980's. This man rose from obscurity with a simple message, and utterly ridiculous theatrics and gimmicks to the point where he was making tens of millions of dollars a year tax-free. He was then staked through his financial heart by a national televised news magazine, and faded once again into obscurity, only to rise again in the glory of the Lord with the same gimmicky message and theatrics. Proving once again the old adage often attributed to P. T. Barnum: "there's a sucker born every minute."

This veritable Dracula of televangelists is none other than the incomparable Robert Tilton.

Brother Tilton began his televised blood-sucking in the 1980's after he:

"...observed that many of God's children lived in poverty, sickness, sorrow, and many other kinds of misery. Many of them felt they had to endure these things with patience since apparently suffering was God's will. With that picture as his prime motivator.[ punc. sic] Bob gathered a team of professionals to help him pro-claim the Gospel through the lens of a camera."

This inspired decision led to a televised kingdom that, at it's height, reached every US market and was netting Brother Tilton $80 million (US) a year.

Brother Tilton's message was simple:
"If Jesus Christ were alive today and walking around, he wouldn't want his people driving Volkswagens and living in apartments."
And, just how can Brother Tilton help correct this injustice, you may ask. Well it is quite simple.

You see, according to Brother Tilton poverty is the result of sin, and the only way out of this personal plague from God is to make a "vow of faith" in the form of money. By making this vow to God (through Tilton) you prove to God that you are serious about your redemption, so God rewards you with the prosperity you deserve. No wimpy prayers or meager acts of penance for this God. You either pay up front or you get no reward--it's that simple.

Brother Tilton's proof...Well it's in the Bible of course.

In 1 Kings 17:8-16 we are given the story of Elijah's contact with a poor widow. When he asks this woman to give him something to eat she tells him that she only has enough for one meal. So Elijah tells this greedy old woman that if she will have enough faith to shut up and feed him that God will ensure her prosperity by keeping her cupboards full. The old woman gives her "vow of faith", and lo and behold her cupboards remain full (at least while Elijah's gluttony and visit persist). So you see: give to the glutton and God pays you back with interest. God, in this instance, is something of a loan guarantor.

The other element of Brother Tilton's simple ~~con~~ teaching was it's purity. Brother Tilton never stooped to name calling or discrimination in his preachings. Unlike other televangelists, Tilton did not harp on a person going to Hell, or their sexual orientation, race, beliefs, or any of that other nonsense. He focused on their financial and health problems, and their way out. He didn't care if you were a feminist, homosexual, worshipper of Crug, so long as you sent your vow of faith he would help you out. Tilton's God was an equal opportunity source of salvation.

But then, in November of 1991, Tilton's Van Helsing came after him in the form of Diane Sawyer and ABC's Primetime Live. Now known simply as Primetime. It seems that Sawyer and her crew found some bags of unread prayer requests, and witnesses that said that their job was to open the letters, remove the checks, and discard the requests. As if Brother Tilton didn't know that God could read the letters through the envelope (damned unbelievers).

But the not-so-faithful-after-all quit sending money and Tilton's empire crumbled. And to make matters worse; his wife left him as his church crumbled. By the end of 1993 Tilton was off the air.

But, like all the strong undead, Tilton, survived several lawsuits and two divorces, and returned to the tube in 1997. This time he chose BET as his vehicle of ~~wealth~~ faith. For a while he was on every morning at 3 AM and twice on Sunday afternoon. He is somewhat hard to track down on the television these days, but if you're persistent he can be found.

If you can't find him on your local stations and are interested in making a vow to ~~Tilton~~ God, you still can always go to his website.

All major credit cards accepted. It hasn't been updated in a couple of years, but rest assured, he, like all lords of the night, is surely lurking in the shadows waiting for his next ~~victim~~ disciple.

And if you're really lucky you can get your hands on one of his tools for salvation.

Profiles in Faith Mini-Series: Profiles of the Resurrected

2006-03-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

I wish to announce a new mini-series in my Lenten Profiles project.

I have realized that my Profiles series has been focusing only on outstanding examples of faith from people who are active in today's world. It occurred to me that I haven't been giving proper credit to that special breed of Christian disciple who in the spirit of Mary Magdalene's husband, rose to prominence spreading their bull (oops) I mean message to the faithful; then were struck down by heathens and/or demonic influence; then rose again in their former glory: Vampire's of the faith so to speak.

These profiles will showcase men who have shown courage in the face of persecution. Men who were battered down much like the Biblical hero Job, and who, like Job, had their former wealth and power returned to them by the Lord God. Men who, in effect, portray the true spirit of Christ and Easter (without the bunny) by dying the death of persecution and returning to the life of true faith.

No women will be profiled, because, as you know, according to the Bible, and most good Christians, women folk are evil, lust ridden, tools of the Devil who shouldn't be in positions of power. This trend started in Genesis, when Eve shook her no doubt perfect bottom at Adam and had him eat her fruit. And as you shall see in several of my profiles, their role as destroyer of men (or convenient scapegoat, depending how you phrase it) continues to this very day. Therefore I will not profile any of them for fear of God's wrath coming to me in the form of some temptress.

I am looking forward to my new series and hope to get the first installment to you soon. But please don't worry, I am still keeping my eye out for current examples of faith. In fact, there's a story brewing in Tennessee right now that looks as though it may provide such an example. Xenu bless you all, and may the all-seeing Crug always be at your back.

I Knew It!

2006-03-26T16:31:00.000-05:00

Today I'm going through some emotional crap that interferes with my ability to properly lambaste someone stupid, so I'll just post irrefutable proof of my own intelligence.

Your IQ Is 130

Your Logical Intelligence is Super Genius*

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius

Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

(* The original answer of average didn't make sense to my bloated ego, so I fiddled with the code. Further proof of my intelligence and integrity.)

Profiles in Faith: Mr. Chocolate Salty Balls

2006-03-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

Today's installment in my Lenten series on the faithful takes a look at a man who, while not a Christian, is displaying Christian values by doing right by his conscience and standing up for what he believes. This man is none other than legendary soul-singer Isaac Hayes.

For people my age Hayes is known for his smooth baritone voice and timeless hits like the Theme From Shaft. Yes to my generation, Hayes is one bad mutha...shut yo mouth.

For most younger people Hayes is best known as the voice of the smooth-talking, fornicating, horn-dog, Chef on the television series South Park. As the character Chef, Hayes has given us such memorable songs as Stinky Britches, and Chocolate Salty Balls.

Hayes has been with South Park since it first aired in 1997. .And has shown his spirit of non-discrimination, and sensitivity by accepting payment for shows that made fun of every major religion on the face of the planet, especially Christianity. Yes, good ole' Chef has been in episodes where Jesus won a fight with Satan only because Satan threw the fight; where God appeared at a millennium party in Las Vegas looking like a hairy hippo; and who can forget classics like Passion of the Jew or the episode where Jesus has to call on the founders of the World's other religions to defeat David Blaine's magic.

But Hayes had to put his foot down earlier this month and announce to the World that after 9 years of making fun of religions and their followers he was leaving South Park due to the show's "growing insensitivity towards personal spiritual beliefs."

According to Hayes:

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil-rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

Right on! I'm with you Isaac. After nine years of making fun of everyone else's beliefs you need to take a stand when the show makes fun of the pseudo-religion that you subscribe to.

You, see last November, the creators of South Park had the nerve to attack Scientology with an episode entitled Trapped in the Closet. Hayes knew about the episode before it was aired, but held off his criticism and said he was ok with the idea until six months later (after he got his paycheck cashed) when he decided he could stand up and condemn South Park for their insensitivity.

Once again: Right on!!

There is nothing better in the world of faith and religion than a hypocrite who stands up for what he believes after he gets his check. I'm with you Isaac. Xenudamn the man.

Keys? Check. Briefcase? Check. Baby? Oh Crap!!

2006-03-24T14:12:00.000-05:00

Another nominee for Daddy of the Year.

WASHINGTON - Commuters racing to catch the train typically forget things in the car: keys, wallets, briefcases. But a baby daughter?

That's what happened Thursday just north of Washington, police say.

"Dad forgot baby was in the car, parked the car, got on the Metro," said Lucille Baur, a spokeswoman for the Montgomery County, Md., Police Department.

"I don't know exactly when he got the memory flash, but he was in D.C. when it was the horrible defining moment, 'Oh my goodness, I think I've left my child back in my car,'" Baur said.

At that point, she said, Jonathan Sander got off the southbound train and onto a northbound one, returning to the Shady Grove Metrorail station about 12 miles north of Washington.

By that time, other commuters had noticed the 7 1/2-month-old girl in the back seat of the car, firefighters had opened the locked door and the child had been taken to a hospital as a precaution.

She was reunited there with her mother.

"Child Protective Services was comfortable with releasing the child back to the mom," said Baur. "We all believe that the child was not intentionally left in the car."

Sander, described as "terrified, embarrassed," was charged with leaving a child under 8 unattended in a car or building. He could face a fine of up to $500 and 30 days in jail.

A call to Sander's home was not returned.

So you get embarrassed and pay $500.00 if you leave an infant locked in a car at a train station. So what happens if you kill the child: a bigger fine and a paddling?

Profiles in Faith: Pat Robertson-Master of Disaster

2006-03-24T13:07:00.000-05:00

Today's profile is of the all powerful Oz; the most influential of right-wing nut jobs in the US: Pat Robertson of 700 Club infamy.

Pat's birth name is Marion Gordon Robertson. The name Pat comes from his being slapped upside the head as a child. He is related to William Henry Harrison: the 9th president of the US, 1st governor of Indiana, and the first president to die in office; and to Benjamin Harrison the 23rd president of the US.

With relatives like these it was natural that he also run for president, and in 1988 he did just that on a platform that included a ban on pornography, and ridding the government of the Department of Education and Department of Energy. It seems that God had told him to do so. It also seems that God was playing a practical joke on him because he failed miserably, and the present Moron in Chief's father won the presidency

While best known for being the host of the 700 Club, and founder of the right-wing fanatics group, The Christian Coalition, he has been involved in several other godly enterprises over the years including: forming Freedom Gold--a gold mining operation in Liberia; and using a relief fund that he set up to get donations for Rwanda as a way to transport diamond mining equipment to his mine in Zaire. It seems that God also told him to use African slave-labor to make himself rich.

In his role as minister to the masses, Robertson is most famous for his social and political views, and during his career he has made them well known:

He has said that the Episcopalians, Methodists, and Presbyterians were all under the spirit of the Anti-Christ.

Called feminism a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians" ("Equal Rights Initiative in Iowa Attacked", Washington Post, 23 August 1992).

Suggested exploding a nuclear bomb at the US State Department headquarters on his TV show.

Supported forced abortions in China during a 2001 televised interview with Wolf Blitzer.

Said that Planned Parenthood teaches kids to fornicate, teaches people to commit adultery and every kind of bestiality, and causes homosexuality and lesbianism.

Has said that the First Amendment clause on separation of church and state was not originally in the US Constitution. According to this braniac, it was planted there during the 1920's by a Communist spy.

And, he said that the 9/11 attacks were caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU and the People for the American Way." None of these groups have ever advocated nuking a government office by the way.

More recently Robertson has called college professors in the US "racists, murderers, sexual deviants and supporters of Al-Qaeda"; has called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez; called Muslims Satanic fanatics, said Ariel Sharon's stroke was punishment from God, and said that the city of Dover, Pennsylvania will not get any help from God during a catastrophe, because their school board rejected the stupidity known as "intelligent design."

But while all of these things are wonderfully God-like, my favorite power of Robertson's is his self-proclaimed ability to control disasters, much like his counter-part Jehovah.

In 1998 arch-angel Pat said that Orlando was going to face hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and "possibly a meteor" for allowing privately sponsored "Gay Days" weekend.

And while earthquakes, meteors, tornadoes, and terrorist bombings (I wonder if he and his cells are on the US terrorist watchlist) are on his list of powers, it is hurricanes that are Pat's specialty.

In 1985 he took credit for steering Hurricane Gloria away from his companies' headquarters in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Ten years later he did the same thing with Hurricane Felix. And then steered Hurricane Isabel in 2003 for the same reasons.

It's a shame he didn't just make these storms go away, because Gloria caused 100's of millions of dollars in damage along the East Coast and killed 11 people; Felix killed eight people in Puerto Rico, and caused massive beach erosion along the East Coast; and Isabel killed 53 people and caused 3.37 billion dollars in damage.

Why didn't he steer Katrina you may ask. Well it seems that Katrina was God's punishment on Ellen Degeneres for being a lesbian and "...the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation." The insurgency in Iraq is also God's punishment on her, according to Robertson.

And as for the tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands in Asia, God couldn't effect that because it was an act of nature. God seemingly can't fix prostate cancer either, because Pat had to have his removed in 2003.

Some sources have hinted that they also had to remove Mr. Robertson's head from the same area, though I can't confirm that.

Random Message

2006-03-24T08:15:00.000-05:00

This was a randomly generated message for me, but considering my last post: I will pass it on to that poor bastard.

Your Fortune Is

Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

No More Abusing Yourself Mister!

2006-03-23T23:13:00.000-05:00

Ok. I've had some really emotional breakups in my time. There were times that I hated her, hated myself, or hated any number of other people or things. But I never took it out on my best friend and confidant.

I think this guy took it just a bit far

Following difficulties with his girlfriend in Poland, a Chicago man went on a rampage, smashing car windows and severing his own penis.

Six or seven police officers confronted Jakub Fik at his home after receiving reports Wednesday morning. Fik allegedly hurled several knives and his severed member at the officers.

"About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan.

Officers stunned Fik with a Taser and took him into custody. He was charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property, said Officer Laura Kubiak.

Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's penis. Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago said that although operations to reattach penises are rare, they are usually successful if done within a few hours.

So let's break this down: he lost his girlfriend who is thousands of miles away; probably hurt his hands smashing windows; sliced off his own "member"; got hit with a taser; went through surgery: and now he has to go to court, and have people hear the officers testify to his throwing his own severed penis at them.

That'll teach her. Take that you bitch!!

Faith Healers and Daddy of the Year

2006-03-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

A couple of articles from the Associated Press that caught my eye.

HARARE, Zimbabwe - A bogus traditional healer who persuaded a businesswoman to hire "mermaids" and accommodate them in a Harare hotel to help find a stolen car was convicted of theft by false pretenses, court officials said Tuesday.

If this guy lived in the US, he would've been fine, because over here it is not called "theft" it is called "faith."

As for this guy..... Well you read and see for yourself.

TULSA, Okla. - A Kansas man was arrested at a Tulsa strip club after police say his toddler son wandered from an unlocked car into the club over the weekend.

Christopher Greg Killion, 31, was arrested Saturday on a complaint of "encouraging a minor child to be in need of supervision." He posted $500 bond and was released from the Tulsa Jail.

The toddler told police that his father told him to stay in the car, and that if he left it, "monsters would eat him," reports indicate.

A manager at the club had called police to report that about 30 minutes after Killion entered the club, a 3- to 4-year-old boy came inside looking for his father.

Officers determined that the boy had been left alone in a car in the strip club's parking lot. The car was unlocked and parked about 20 feet from a four-lane street. It was raining and 45 degrees outside at the time, an officer noted in the police report.