Cranky Old Bastard

Have you ever known one of those old men who is never happy with anything? You know the type, I'm sure. The old fart who sits in his chair complaining that he's hungry, but then complains about how horrible the food you give him is. He sits on his porch bitching about people who get to close to his yard, or drive by too fast, or too slowly. He hates everybody, and everything for no reason; at least no reason that makes sense to anyone but him.

Usually people overlook this guys behavior, because "he is old and has lived a hard life." He's probably a vet from one of the planet's many wars. Probably worked his ass off his entire life for a boss that was an asshole, and now suffers from joint and back problems from a life of hard labor. Likely had to sit by and watch the woman he loved succumb to a debilitating and terminal disease, and then was all but abandoned by his self-centered children.

Well, it has occurred to me lately that God is just such a being. He is the Almighty Cranky Old Bastard.

Yesterday was the National Day of Prayer here in the United States, and a good bit of the official prayer for this day involved groveling before this angry old bastard, because he was upset about some supposed slights that we as a nation had supposedly engaged in. So several people throughout this country (probably more than a dozen or so) spent yesterday asking for this cranky old fart's forgiveness.

Did asking for the ole' windbag's forgiveness help? It doesn't look like it. In his role as one of America's high priests of moral values, Bush sanctioned this day of groveling, and no doubt took part, so you would think that if God were the rational forgiving type that he would help ole' George out. Instead, the news headlines today include findings from a recent poll indicating that 2/3 of the American electorate disapprove of George's job as president.

Now, since Jehovah is all powerful, and able to do anything, you'ld think he would have made a few more people supportive of his chosen leader of the free world. Afterall, Bush has invaded two heathen countries, made steps toward putting women back in their place, and been rather outspoken about his dislike of mono y mono relationships, all while invoking Yahweh's name. How does God reward all this hard work? By being an ass--that's how.

In a way though, God's smite on the president was to be expected. He (God) seems to hate everything and everybody these days. Here's a list of a few of those who have made it onto God's smite list:

Ellen Degeneres and the entire population of New Orleans.

Homosexuals

The United States in general

Ariel Sharon

Churches in Alabama

Ministers in Tennessee

2,500 American service men and women in Iraq

And the list goes on, and on, and on...

But, there does seem to be one group of people that God does like--Large-Breasted, Small-Brained, blonde ex-strippers.

Earlier this week the Almighty Dirty Old-Man arranged for a sympathetic decision by the US Supreme Court which allows former stripper and gold digger Anna Nicole Smith to pursue part of her late husbands 1.6 billion dollar estate.

Yes--Anna Nicole Smith in front of the US Supreme Court--The end of the World is nigh.

This ruling is more proof of God's cranky old man status, because the only thing that ever seems to placate cranky old men are young women who are willing to play pass the viagra with them.

What I think we need to do as God's children, is to obtain power of attorney, and have this old bastard put in a retirement home somewhere in Mississippi. Then he and other retired gods like Zeus, Thor, and Osiris can bitch all they want without causing wars, misery, and death. People do it all the time in order to get a meddling bitter old man out of their affairs.

Barring that, maybe we could introduce him to Anna Nicole Smith, and they could do Trim-Spa commercials together or something. Granted this would mean that Smith would have a shot at controlling the universe, but she couldn't do any worse at it than God is.